Friday, July 30, 2010


I don't know if I'm getting swept up in the idea of potentially being a parent... but I find myself daydreaming about being able to leave Jack home with his children... And being able to come home and see what kind of havoc the house is in. What an amazing thing to be able to see, Jack with the kids ... Would he take them out in the garage and leave them hanging in a bucket like his dad did :) ... or would he attempt to play with them and their toys making a big mess. If they get hungry will he try to make them something to eat or will he wander helplessly trying to take care of the crying children.

I have no idea, but for the first time, I feel like at some point I might get to find out!

10 days until the seminar!

Thursday, July 29, 2010

11 days until the adoption seminar

11 days and counting.

Trying to keep myself busy. I'm anxious to go listen to what is being said.

Every day, all day, I always listen to Christian radio stations. The songs that keep sticking out to me are songs about listening to God and hearing Him speak to you.

Today I heard a talk show about letting God open and close the doors that are in front of you through your journeys.

Is adoption going to be an open door? Is this what His plan is for us?

I went to visit my step-mom today since I had a day off work. I met her at their house in Birmingham and we went to a little quilt shop in Berkley and then to a little restaurant not too far from the quilt shop. We had fun and visited. The whole drive down there and back I just kept imagining what it would be like to have a child in a car seat in the back .

I kept imagining myself being a mom and being able to bring my child with me whenever I run errands like that. Or just going to visit family. What an amazing feeling that will be.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Knowing Christ as Your Personal Lord and Savior

If you died today, where would you spend eternity?

You can know the answer for SURE.

1) Realize that none are good! This is not your fault, we inherited the sin nature from Adam.
Romans 3.10 "As it is written, there is none righteous, no not one."

2) Why are none righteous (good)?
Romans 3.23 "For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God."

3) What is the problem with sin? It separates us from God.
Rom 6:23 For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.

4) God knew that we could not live good enough to be righteous in God's sight. The bible says that there was never a law given whereby we could be saved. Because of this, God sent His only begotten Son, Jesus Christ, to come and live a perfect life and then to die on Calvary for our sins. Christ paid our wages for sin, He suffered Death and Hell for us! What Great Love God had for us while we were still his enemies.

Rom 5:8 But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.

John 3:16 For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.
John 3:17 For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved.
John 3:18 He that believeth on him is not condemned: but he that believeth not is condemned already, because he hath not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God.

Rom 3:19 Now we know that what things soever the law saith, it saith to them who are under the law: that every mouth may be stopped, and all the world may become guilty before God.
Rom 3:20 Therefore by the deeds of the law there shall no flesh be justified in his sight: for by the law is the knowledge of sin.
Rom 3:21 But now the righteousness of God without the law is manifested, being witnessed by the law and the prophets;
Rom 3:22 Even the righteousness of God which is by faith of Jesus Christ unto all and upon all them that believe: for there is no difference:

5) Our sin has been paid for by Christ . . .
but we do not automatically receive that payment, we must sincerely ask for it.
Romans 10.13 "For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord, shall be saved."

6) Asking (or "calling") for the Payment is actually
taking God at His Word and claiming His SURE promise ("shall be saved") for salvation. If you feel the burden of your sin, bow your head now, right where you are, and sincerely "call" on Jesus Christ:

You need to pray in your own words asking God to forgive you of your sins.

A sample prayer that could be prayed might go like this:

Dear Lord,
I am not going to trust myself and my good works to save me.

I am trusting in Jesus Christ alone by faith and I am asking Him

to come and forgive me of all sin. I believe that Jesus Christ is the son of God, sent to Earth to die for my sins.

I repent of my sin and ask that you will forgive me through your

only Son, Jesus Christ. In Christ alone I seek forgiveness.

I pray in the Name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

6) If you understood that you were a lost sinner and had no hope of coming to God in your own power, you were drawn by the Holy Spirit to come to God for salvation, you have repented of your sins and prayed to God and asked for forgiveness, by the authority of God's Word, you are saved and will go to heaven when you die.

The bible says there are 2 ways that we can KNOW that we are saved. First, God's Spirit, the Holy Spirit, bears witness with our Spirit that we are His child.

Rom 8:1 There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.

Rom 8:14 For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, they are the sons of God.
Rom 8:15 For ye have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear; but ye have received the Spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, Abba, Father.
Rom 8:16 The Spirit itself beareth witness with our spirit, that we are the children of God:
Rom 8:17 And if children, then heirs; heirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ; if so be that we suffer with him, that we may be also glorified together.

1 John 5:1 Whosoever believeth that Jesus is the Christ is born of God: and every one that loveth him that begat loveth him also that is begotten of him.
1 John 5:2 By this we know that we love the children of God, when we love God, and keep his commandments.

1 John 5:11 And this is the record, that God hath given to us eternal life, and this life is in his Son.
1 John 5:12 He that hath the Son hath life; and he that hath not the Son of God hath not life.
1 John 5:13 These things have I written unto you that believe on the name of the Son of God; that ye may know that ye have eternal life, and that ye may believe on the name of the Son of God.

Note that the word KNOW is present tense. We don't have to wait to know if we are saved eternally. We can know right now. If you have peace between yourself and God, you can know that God has saved you from your sins. And nothing and no one can separate us from the love of God. You can never LOSE your salvation. Christ died for ALL sin, past, present, and future. You are saved by Grace through FAITH in Jesus Christ and His words and promises as told in the Bible. Never will your works remove you from your eternal salvation. Faith is acted out through works, which is entirely different, but WORKS do not get you into heaven.

Rom 8:38 For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,
Rom 8:39 Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 10.11 "for the Scripture saith, whosever believeth on Him shall not be ashamed."

If you asked Jesus to come into your heart today, write and let me know. I would love to email you to talk with you and hear your story! I would also be happy to help you find a Bible believing church. I rejoice in your decision to accept Christ as your Personal Lord and Savior. This was the most important decision of your life. If you are still confused and need help, write and I will try to answer any questions you might have or be able to direct you to someone who will know how to answer your questions better than I can!

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Right now I feel excited.

My emotions about everything we are going through and have gone through change almost hourly on some days.

But right now, I feel very excited. I am excited at the thought that one day we will be able to add to our family some way or another. One day I will have a nursery and when a baby cries I will be the one running to answer his or her cries. I am excited to paint a bedroom for him or her and to make a quilt for him or her. I am very excited to be able to look forward to things like that where for some time, I felt like all of that would never happen for us.

Adoption has left that parenting window open. It feels like hope.

Today this song is really hitting home and it has been stuck in my head since I woke up this morning:

Speak To Me by Remedy Drive

I've been listening in all the wrong places
Am I alone?
Well, am I missing every word you're saying?
I don't hear the sound of your voice
Anymore, anymore, anymore, anymore

Speak to me, please speak to me
I'm in between
And I can't hear you
Whisper, shout it, give me something
I need it now need your voice, need a sound
Speak to me

There's a cause of all the times I've failed you
Am I too far?
Well, did you wonder how long I'd wait for you?
I don't hear the sound of your voice
Anymore, anymore, anymore, anymore

Speak to me, please speak to me
I'm in between
And I can't hear you
Whisper, shout it, give me something
I need it now need your voice, need a sound
Speak to me

Tell me something
Tell me anything
I am waiting for you, won't you speak to me?
Tell me something
Tell me anything
I am waiting for you, won't you speak to me?
Tell me something
Tell me anything
I am waiting for you, won't you speak to me?

Speak to me, please speak to me
I'm in between
And I can't hear you
Whisper, shout it, give me something
I need it now need your voice, need a sound
Speak to me

Speak to me...yeah, yeah
Speak to me
Speak to me

I need it now, need your voice, need a sound

Speak to me

Are we listening in the wrong places? Have we been hearing what God has saying? Last night we prayed that we would have our ears opened to what God wanted to tell us.

I'm hoping that I can drown out my voices inside my head and hear the still small voice speaking to me!

Monday, July 26, 2010

Family support

It is really hard to describe how vital this is. Family support is and will be our life support. I have been blessed with amazing parents who support us through thick and thin.

I was able to tell my mom today and she didn't say much, just asked a few questions about the seminar and I told her what little I know.

We had Jack's whole family over for dinner tonight too, and we don't see them nearly often enough!

We had fun, rode my dirtbike around the yard and then drove the jeep through the woods and fields behind our house to show everyone all of the trails we can ride and drive on. Daren rode my dirtbike through and got pretty dirty!

After everyone went home, I was chatting with Kelly, my (hopefully) soon to be sister-in-law and told her about our blog (Hi Kelly!) I talked to Jack about it and he was alright with me sharing the blog with Kelly. Hopefully soon we will feel ready to share our story with the whole family.

I have been truly blessed with such an amazing family. We have our dis(FUN)ctions but still, I wouldn't trade a single one of you freaks for anything in the world!! I love you Mom and Dad and Kelly and Liz and Matt and Jim! I am so thankful to have family that I don't worry about how they will react to us considering adoption. I'm thankful to have family who I know will love whatever children we have and not think anything differently of them. I'm sure this is that way for a lot of families, but I can't imagine what added pressure that would be.

It is such a freeing feeling to be able to come out of the dark so to speak on this subject. To be able to talk to my future sister in law about our hopes and dreams and fears is such an amazing feeling.

I understand why people keep things secret though. Without meaning to, or even purposefully, people can say some pretty horrible things. Pretty insensitive things. I'm hoping that Jack and I will be able to take such rude comments in stride and be able to educate those who make these comments. By the grace of God we will be able to change their hearts on the subject.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Told my dad and his wife... Perfect timing?

My dad and step mother, Kelly, and my sister, Liz, all came to my work to eat on Friday night. I rarely get to see my dad because he lives about an hour away from me. Luckily, I was still sort of in the training mode at work so they were my only table and I was able to talk to them through their whole beer tasting dinner menu.

One of the first things that happened was that Kelly confronted me about my facebook status of being excited for August 9th. I suppose I wasn't prepared to answer that question in person yet, it's so easy to remain so strong through the facade of a computer.

I told her that Jack and I are going to an adoption seminar. I am fairly certain they believed it would be a doctor's appointment of some sort, or that I was pregnant. My sister knew and knows what we've been thinking and what's going on and they asked her on the way and God bless her, she didn't spill the beans and let me!

It was my first people to tell besides my sister that we are going. My sister is super easy to talk to, so that wasn't challenging at all. She's a great listener and doesn't judge and is very supportive, so it wasn't difficult to talk to her at all. But to tell my dad was heart wrenching. I know there is a reason somewhere for my pain, but I want to be as honest as possible.

It's hard not to think back over the last two years and think about how many life situations that have happened and how much sorrow has happened in my family and Jack's and not remember how many times we thought, "THIS must have been what God was waiting for, THIS must be His perfect time." Like the first time we came back to Michigan after moving to Wisconsin, or when we went to visit my Grandpa in the Soo when he was really sick, how amazing would it have been to tell him that he was going to be a Great-Grandpa? Or at his funeral, how amazing would it have been to be able to bring such joy to such a sad day. Or when we went back to Michigan for Jack's Grandma's birthday and had a big party with Jack's mom's family on the fourth of July. How fun would it have been to be able to tell her for her birthday that she was going to be a Great-Grandmother? Or after hers and her husband's funerals that were 9 days apart, how amazing would it have been to be able to tell Jack's parents that they were going to be Grandparents, would that have been able to ease the burdon of pain on their hearts through that situation?

How many times did I think, "This would be the PERFECT time." Maybe it's because we are only going to a seminar, maybe it's because we are months and months down the road from potentially being matched with a birth mother, maybe it's because we are only checking out the seminar and we aren't quite sure exactly what we are going to do yet or what God wants us to do, but telling my Dad that we are checking out an adoption seminar didn't quite hold a candle to what I had in my mind's eye that was going to happen when I was pregnant.

I am certain that it won't be as scary the more times we tell people that we are choosing adoption. I feel like Satan is in the back of my mind telling me that deep down my parents and Jack's parents are so angry at me for not being able to have a child. That I am not giving them a REAL Grandchild.

I know this is ridiculous, I know that my children, regardless of how they become a part of my family, are MY children blood or not. I know it's ridiculous because so many families are created by accident or by "oops" and we are PURPPOSEFULLY creating a family out of LOVE.

Mark 9:27 says Whosoever shall receive one of such children in my name, receiveth me: and whosoever shall receive me, receiveth not me, but him that sent me. More and more, I feel God leading me around the Bible from one scripture to the next showing me that this is His plan for us. That the pain I'm feeling is molding me into a new and more Christ-like person. In God's Holy name, we want to receive one of His children into our home, and with that child surely we will recieve God into our home as well. And may all who welcome us with our new child into their homes, feel the same blessings from God.

Friday, July 23, 2010

The road to here

July 22, 2010

Dear Jack,

Greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world. 1 John 4:4

The love of God is a forgiving and all inclusive unconditional love.

That love is inside me and with prayer I believe we will be able to apply that love to our whole life. Love our neighbors, love the people who drive past us on the freeway, love our families, love each other and eventually love any child that God puts in our home.

All of God’s children are adopted into his family.

We can choose to love our child as any person has to CHOOSE to Love another. Love is a choice.

I know with all that I am, with the Love of Jesus Christ in both of us, we have the ability to love a child that is not biologically related to us. Any doubt of that, by anyone, to me is satan trying to keep us from knowing the love of being a parent.

I want to continue to pray for healing and for our fertility, but I also want to pray for our child. Or children. I feel as though satan has been closing our hearts and minds off to God’s plans. Adoption is always God’s plan. Adoption is what happens when babies aren’t aborted, how could we as followers of Christ not know that these children who are saved are to be loved? Are to be cherished as the gifts that they are.

I have seen, in our lives especially, that God provides for things that He wills to happen. Our home… Look at the way all the finances fell perfectly together. Our wedding, Everything that we have done we have been provided for. We have never been in want or need of anything.

I know that we will not need to try to come up with money to pay for adoption, I know that us trying to scrimp and save to afford doctors appointments and fertility treatments should have been loud and clear telling us that that was not the way it’s supposed to be. It has always been a struggle for us at the doctors, we have never had good news or good luck with doctors. And it was always financially a struggle. We should have known we were going against the grain with how much difficulty we were having.

When we tell people we are persuing adoption, I don’t want their response to be I’m sorry. Because I’m not, I'm not sorry at all. I feel this sort of calm peace, like I have been fighting what I should have been doing from the beginning. Since we started TTC I have felt this weird going against the grain uneasy feeling. And I don't have it any more. I'm terrified, don't get me wrong, but I feel like I'm not fighting.

Everything that has been meant to be in our lives God has made happen with little to no effort on our parts. Our wedding fell together in 3 weeks, we barely paid any money for anything and since we have been married He has provided for us so well that we have never had a need for anything that we didn't have.

Everything in the TTC realm has been the complete opposite though. We have had nothing but problems with every doctor, we've seen so many doctors, had so many issues with things, and it has been a complete STRUGGLE to pay for all the doctors visits and things like that. Since I have been saved, NOTHING that was meant to be in my life was this kind of a struggle.

If adoption is what God's plan is, then it will happen the way He does things, perfectly executed and everything will just fall into place. If it is His plan that we don't have children at all, right now or ever, then it will never be and it will be difficult every turn of the way.

Now don't get me wrong, I don't think everything is cake, but it's an over all feeling, or knowing. Our wedding wasn't all puppies and rainbows, but there are just certain things that we didn't have to worry about if that makes sense. There are definitely bumps along any road, even if it's the right road and I understand that.

So I'm not sorry that things are going this way, I'm grateful that things are beginning to feel like a weight lifted off my shoulders. Like I'm no longer fighting or swimming against a current and trying to keep my head above water.

I want to be out of the IF closet and I want to be able to share our story and I want to be completely open and be able to share our story about adoption if that is what the case is going to be.

I want to be able to show how God turns our pain for wanting to be parents into overflowing love. I know we will have unforgettable pain along the way but the end result is us ending up parents. I know we will be amazing parents and we will be able to show Christ’s love through our lives to our children.

I know this is a HUGE opportunity to be a witness to an unlimited amount of people for us to go through this. I want to be able to go through all of this and come out on the other side as better people. I want us to grow closer to God TOGETHER as we do this.

I’m ready to let go of my preconceived notions of what it means to be a mother, ready to let go of all of my wants for how we will become parents. I am ready to let go of being pregnant if that means in the end, I will be a mother and you will be a father.

My deepest hope for you is that you can open your heart up to love and to loving a gift from God. I feel hopeful about it instead of feeling empty and broken like I do about infertility. We can beat infertility and we may have biological children at some point, but I don’t want to continue with fertility drugs at this point.
As my period is starting today I don’t want to be filled with mourning, I want to be filled with hope for our future.

I love you.

I love you so much. I'm so blessed to have a Christian wife as strong as you are. This sounds like a great plan, or lack of plan to put it better. It is a hard pill to swollow. Most people get married, want kids, and have them. They don't have the wonder, fear, mystery and worry that we've had. BUT, I do know that there is something great for us to come. I don't know what it is, who it is, when we'll get them, or when it'll happen, but I do believe it will. I'm scared and nervous, but it is really out of our control. Since it is out of our control, we should let God have it completely, and do our best to believe, have faith and not worry. I'm on board with this. I have no idea what to expect, but I'll stand with you. No more clomid. I love you so much. I'm thanking God for the tremendous blessing you are to me as I write this. I love you more than you can know.

Love, your husband, Jack

I'm not sure exactly what the format of this blog is going to be, but Jack and I hope to be able to prove Romans 8:28. And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. We don't know why we have gone through infertility and we don't know why we have been unable to conceive. We are through trying to look to doctors for answers and are completely focusing on God for answers to our prayers. We are praying that not only will he open our hearts to his amazing plan, that he will also reach and be able to touch and open the hearts of all who know us and can experience our journey through or with us.

We are hoping and trusting that God's plan for us includes children and we are opening our hearts to adoption.

Our first adoption seminar is on August 9th.