Friday, July 23, 2010

The road to here

July 22, 2010

Dear Jack,

Greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world. 1 John 4:4

The love of God is a forgiving and all inclusive unconditional love.

That love is inside me and with prayer I believe we will be able to apply that love to our whole life. Love our neighbors, love the people who drive past us on the freeway, love our families, love each other and eventually love any child that God puts in our home.

All of God’s children are adopted into his family.

We can choose to love our child as any person has to CHOOSE to Love another. Love is a choice.

I know with all that I am, with the Love of Jesus Christ in both of us, we have the ability to love a child that is not biologically related to us. Any doubt of that, by anyone, to me is satan trying to keep us from knowing the love of being a parent.

I want to continue to pray for healing and for our fertility, but I also want to pray for our child. Or children. I feel as though satan has been closing our hearts and minds off to God’s plans. Adoption is always God’s plan. Adoption is what happens when babies aren’t aborted, how could we as followers of Christ not know that these children who are saved are to be loved? Are to be cherished as the gifts that they are.

I have seen, in our lives especially, that God provides for things that He wills to happen. Our home… Look at the way all the finances fell perfectly together. Our wedding, Everything that we have done we have been provided for. We have never been in want or need of anything.

I know that we will not need to try to come up with money to pay for adoption, I know that us trying to scrimp and save to afford doctors appointments and fertility treatments should have been loud and clear telling us that that was not the way it’s supposed to be. It has always been a struggle for us at the doctors, we have never had good news or good luck with doctors. And it was always financially a struggle. We should have known we were going against the grain with how much difficulty we were having.

When we tell people we are persuing adoption, I don’t want their response to be I’m sorry. Because I’m not, I'm not sorry at all. I feel this sort of calm peace, like I have been fighting what I should have been doing from the beginning. Since we started TTC I have felt this weird going against the grain uneasy feeling. And I don't have it any more. I'm terrified, don't get me wrong, but I feel like I'm not fighting.

Everything that has been meant to be in our lives God has made happen with little to no effort on our parts. Our wedding fell together in 3 weeks, we barely paid any money for anything and since we have been married He has provided for us so well that we have never had a need for anything that we didn't have.

Everything in the TTC realm has been the complete opposite though. We have had nothing but problems with every doctor, we've seen so many doctors, had so many issues with things, and it has been a complete STRUGGLE to pay for all the doctors visits and things like that. Since I have been saved, NOTHING that was meant to be in my life was this kind of a struggle.

If adoption is what God's plan is, then it will happen the way He does things, perfectly executed and everything will just fall into place. If it is His plan that we don't have children at all, right now or ever, then it will never be and it will be difficult every turn of the way.

Now don't get me wrong, I don't think everything is cake, but it's an over all feeling, or knowing. Our wedding wasn't all puppies and rainbows, but there are just certain things that we didn't have to worry about if that makes sense. There are definitely bumps along any road, even if it's the right road and I understand that.

So I'm not sorry that things are going this way, I'm grateful that things are beginning to feel like a weight lifted off my shoulders. Like I'm no longer fighting or swimming against a current and trying to keep my head above water.

I want to be out of the IF closet and I want to be able to share our story and I want to be completely open and be able to share our story about adoption if that is what the case is going to be.

I want to be able to show how God turns our pain for wanting to be parents into overflowing love. I know we will have unforgettable pain along the way but the end result is us ending up parents. I know we will be amazing parents and we will be able to show Christ’s love through our lives to our children.

I know this is a HUGE opportunity to be a witness to an unlimited amount of people for us to go through this. I want to be able to go through all of this and come out on the other side as better people. I want us to grow closer to God TOGETHER as we do this.

I’m ready to let go of my preconceived notions of what it means to be a mother, ready to let go of all of my wants for how we will become parents. I am ready to let go of being pregnant if that means in the end, I will be a mother and you will be a father.

My deepest hope for you is that you can open your heart up to love and to loving a gift from God. I feel hopeful about it instead of feeling empty and broken like I do about infertility. We can beat infertility and we may have biological children at some point, but I don’t want to continue with fertility drugs at this point.
As my period is starting today I don’t want to be filled with mourning, I want to be filled with hope for our future.

I love you.

I love you so much. I'm so blessed to have a Christian wife as strong as you are. This sounds like a great plan, or lack of plan to put it better. It is a hard pill to swollow. Most people get married, want kids, and have them. They don't have the wonder, fear, mystery and worry that we've had. BUT, I do know that there is something great for us to come. I don't know what it is, who it is, when we'll get them, or when it'll happen, but I do believe it will. I'm scared and nervous, but it is really out of our control. Since it is out of our control, we should let God have it completely, and do our best to believe, have faith and not worry. I'm on board with this. I have no idea what to expect, but I'll stand with you. No more clomid. I love you so much. I'm thanking God for the tremendous blessing you are to me as I write this. I love you more than you can know.

Love, your husband, Jack

I'm not sure exactly what the format of this blog is going to be, but Jack and I hope to be able to prove Romans 8:28. And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. We don't know why we have gone through infertility and we don't know why we have been unable to conceive. We are through trying to look to doctors for answers and are completely focusing on God for answers to our prayers. We are praying that not only will he open our hearts to his amazing plan, that he will also reach and be able to touch and open the hearts of all who know us and can experience our journey through or with us.

We are hoping and trusting that God's plan for us includes children and we are opening our hearts to adoption.

Our first adoption seminar is on August 9th.


  1. Dear Allison and Jack: The author is unknown, but this expresses my wish for you: "May the pain you have known and the conflict you have experienced give you the strength to walk through life facing each new situation with courage and optimism." I support your desire for increased communication. Contemplation and communication are foundations for growth, understanding and living to the fullest. I pray that your efforts here help you know your "selves" and your needs and discover ways to realize your potential--no matter what that is or becomes.

  2. Phl 4:12 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.

    Phl 4:13 I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

    Phl 4:14 Yet it was good of you to share in my troubles.

  3. AMEN.
    I feel like I'm reading my conversations with my hubby here, its amazing!! I'm delighted for you, you're in the best place you can be in - putting it all in Gods hands. Ultimately the plan he has for you is better than you'll have imagined because even though there may be pain in places along the way, His ways are higher than ours and so he has a superior plan to our plans and what we think is best for us.
    He is an amazing father and his heart is for the orphan. I think bio child or not adoption is a great direction to go and is blessed because of Gods love for the orphan.
    He can teach us so much about our relationship with him, through the physicsal act of adoption :) routing for you guys x


Feel free to leave your comments below.