My dad and step mother, Kelly, and my sister, Liz, all came to my work to eat on Friday night. I rarely get to see my dad because he lives about an hour away from me. Luckily, I was still sort of in the training mode at work so they were my only table and I was able to talk to them through their whole beer tasting dinner menu.
One of the first things that happened was that Kelly confronted me about my facebook status of being excited for August 9th. I suppose I wasn't prepared to answer that question in person yet, it's so easy to remain so strong through the facade of a computer.
I told her that Jack and I are going to an adoption seminar. I am fairly certain they believed it would be a doctor's appointment of some sort, or that I was pregnant. My sister knew and knows what we've been thinking and what's going on and they asked her on the way and God bless her, she didn't spill the beans and let me!
It was my first people to tell besides my sister that we are going. My sister is super easy to talk to, so that wasn't challenging at all. She's a great listener and doesn't judge and is very supportive, so it wasn't difficult to talk to her at all. But to tell my dad was heart wrenching. I know there is a reason somewhere for my pain, but I want to be as honest as possible.
It's hard not to think back over the last two years and think about how many life situations that have happened and how much sorrow has happened in my family and Jack's and not remember how many times we thought, "THIS must have been what God was waiting for, THIS must be His perfect time." Like the first time we came back to Michigan after moving to Wisconsin, or when we went to visit my Grandpa in the Soo when he was really sick, how amazing would it have been to tell him that he was going to be a Great-Grandpa? Or at his funeral, how amazing would it have been to be able to bring such joy to such a sad day. Or when we went back to Michigan for Jack's Grandma's birthday and had a big party with Jack's mom's family on the fourth of July. How fun would it have been to be able to tell her for her birthday that she was going to be a Great-Grandmother? Or after hers and her husband's funerals that were 9 days apart, how amazing would it have been to be able to tell Jack's parents that they were going to be Grandparents, would that have been able to ease the burdon of pain on their hearts through that situation?
How many times did I think, "This would be the PERFECT time." Maybe it's because we are only going to a seminar, maybe it's because we are months and months down the road from potentially being matched with a birth mother, maybe it's because we are only checking out the seminar and we aren't quite sure exactly what we are going to do yet or what God wants us to do, but telling my Dad that we are checking out an adoption seminar didn't quite hold a candle to what I had in my mind's eye that was going to happen when I was pregnant.
I am certain that it won't be as scary the more times we tell people that we are choosing adoption. I feel like Satan is in the back of my mind telling me that deep down my parents and Jack's parents are so angry at me for not being able to have a child. That I am not giving them a REAL Grandchild.
I know this is ridiculous, I know that my children, regardless of how they become a part of my family, are MY children blood or not. I know it's ridiculous because so many families are created by accident or by "oops" and we are PURPPOSEFULLY creating a family out of LOVE.
Mark 9:27 says Whosoever shall receive one of such children in my name, receiveth me: and whosoever shall receive me, receiveth not me, but him that sent me. More and more, I feel God leading me around the Bible from one scripture to the next showing me that this is His plan for us. That the pain I'm feeling is molding me into a new and more Christ-like person. In God's Holy name, we want to receive one of His children into our home, and with that child surely we will recieve God into our home as well. And may all who welcome us with our new child into their homes, feel the same blessings from God.