T- minus 20 hours and counting.
Jack is going to come home after work and then we are going to drive to BCS together tomorrow so that we can talk on the way home instead of having to drive separately and only be able to talk on the phone.
We have begun to tell more people about our plans to check out this seminar and possibly grow our family through adoption.
One thing that we have encountered a few times so far is people who seem unwilling to accept our decisions and convictions. Some believe without a shadow of a doubt somehow that we will yet conceive. I do not deny or dismiss that notion, but it is one thing to believe that for someone else and entirely another to be the one living the life.
Jack and I live in a childless existence. Our friends are having planned and unplanned pregnancies right and left. Several are either trying to conceive number two or already have conceived number two in the time that we have been trying for number one. Jack and I alone are living in our big empty house with our arms empty. We are the ones waiting and wondering if we will always have empty arms. Wondering if our hearts will ever stop longing.
I am sure it is easy to look at our situation and say, "Well at least you get sleep at night." We do some nights, and probably more than new parents do, or parents in general do... but we would gladly give it up.
"It's expensive to have children." Well, we are not 12. We have a pretty good grasp of reality and are well aware. What these people seem to not be aware of themselves is that where they just thought about having children and got pregnant, Jack and I have already spent around $10,000 in doctors bills and medications TRYING to have children. The average family NEVER has these kinds of costs to endure before even conceiving a child.
"Maybe God doesn't want you to have children." I think it's pretty bold for ANY MAN (or woman) to say that they know what God has planned. Especially that they would know what God has planned for us. I certainly have no idea what God has planned for me, there is no way that anyone else knows either. Only God knows what He has planned for our lives, and all I do know is that it is something great. It might be that God's plan IS that we have no children.
"What if you tried one more treatment..." Well, what if is a dangerous game to play. Jack and I got to the point where we could no longer, and no longer wanted to try to endure any more fertility testing or treatments. Fertility treatments and doctors appointments are expensive. We no longer want to fund this. Fertility treatments and doctors appointments are physically taxing and emotionally exhausting. Fertility drugs affect our marriage. Fertility drugs are hard on both of us to go through. Fertility drugs suck a lot.
We may in the future feel like it's time to try something more or else, but as for right now, this is where we are. Again, it is our life, and we may or may not change our minds. Jack says this post sounds angry and I don't mean for it to sound that way. Infertility is an ugly plague in our lives and sometimes it makes me angry. Angry at the situation, angry at God and definitely angry at other people.
A big struggle with our situation is listening and trying to deal courteously and as Christ-like as possible to the situations we are faced with. Some comments that are made can ruin an entire day, some comments that are made are life changing and we will never forget. Most comments are made out of ignorance and we try to forgive that, and the point of this is to educate on the topics of infertility and maybe adoption after infertility. The point of this is honesty. I am not and never have been the beat-around-the-bush type gal... I am brutally honest to a fault. Ask me a question and you will get an honest answer.