Monday, August 9, 2010

God knows my heart so well it's scary

I know I shouldn't be surprised but it's amazing how His plan unfolds before me sometimes.

Through our infertility journey there have been certain tv shows that I know I should probably not have followed or watched at all, but I did. 16 and Pregnant was one of them. I didn't need to sit here and watch these kids have kids and see them struggle and compare my situation to theirs.

There was one couple of kids on this show that caught my eye immediately and all the way through to Teen Mom and Teen Mom season 2, Caitlynn and Tyler really stuck out to me. They affected me the most and all I could do was sob as I watched them struggle through their decision to give their daughter, Carly, up for adoption. It's hard to describe what it was like for me watching these two through their struggle.

No adoption story ever in my life has affected me like theirs. I felt like I could never live with myself if I had to worry that my child's birth parents struggled through everything like Caitlynn and Tyler did and do. Their home lives were/are in turmoil, their fight to stay together, their fight to express their feelings about how sad they are that they couldn't parent their child and that in staying together all they did was remind the other one of their daughter. They touched my life in a way that no other person on tv or in the news or anywhere ever has, especially on this topic. I mourned with them when I watched their pain. I sob every time I watch them struggle through their decision.

I have shared with very few people how much they affected me and how much I thought of them when I thought of adoption, so I find it so amazing that God knows my heart so well.

Jack and I struggled the whole hour drive to the adoption seminar. Bethany Christian Services' office is about an hour from our house and for some reason there was traffic going the wrong way on i75 today. (Normally in the morning it's going South and in the evening it's going North.) We argued and yelled and expressed how stressed we were about this meeting, what does it mean that we want this or want that. Are we racist? Are we too picky? How can we even think this way? What are we doing? Are we ready for this? In the end, we decided to just go in to listen.

And if anyone knows me, I do listen... but I also speak. And I never opened my mouth through the whole 2 hour seminar. I just sat there. And listened.

As the social worker and pregnancy counselor talked to us I thought the pregnancy counselor looked familiar... but I couldn't quite place her. There were quite a few couples there. Both of the ladies' names were Dawn. They talked about how there are a lot of different roads that can lead a couple to adoption and that a lot of couples here probably faced infertility. That word felt like it punched me in the mouth. I felt like I spent the whole two hours trying not to cry.

Then she started talking about making profiles and the benefits of doing different things on your profiles and then she started talking about how people can grow and change as they wait for a placement and then she said that MTV contacted her and asked her if she knew of any 16 year olds that were pregnant... because they wanted to film them for the show 16 and Pregnant. My stomach dropped.

Sure as I'm sitting here right now typing this out, she described how she had a 16 year old girl whose name was Caitlynn. And the birth father's name was Tyler. And how they were on the show and how they chose an adoption plan for their daughter Carly. And then it dawned (ha- that was her name) on me... She was on the show too! She was on the last episode counseling them! She helped tyler talk to another birth father to try to be able to express his feelings and loss and grief.

How is it that God placed these people right in front of us, right in to my life. Right here. Right now.

I felt so strongly that God was saying, "Allison, I know you're here right now, thank you for following the call to come check this out... but this is not for you guys, not right now."

I don't know what IS for us right now, but we walked outside and I did my best not to start crying until we got to my truck and I told Jack all about how those two kids affected me so much and how I couldnt bear to think about their suffering and how is it that we ended up sitting and talking with their counselor? The exact woman that helped Caitlynn choose an adoption plan for her child.

Aside from the initial costs and things like that that we aren't financially ready for right now... maybe 6 months down the road, maybe a year... I have no idea when but all Jack and I both heard loud and clear was "not right now."

So I'm glad we went, I'm just shocked at how God used this seminar to speak directly to my heart and soul and tell me what He needed to say. I'm amazed at his Greatness. I'm overwhelmed by how direct I felt his answers to our questions were tonight.

This is just not for us right now. I don't know what we will do from here, maybe wait some more and do this again another time, maybe not. I have no idea what the future holds for us, right now we are going to concentrate on just Jack and I and building up our marriage and growing closer to each other and to God on our walk with Christ.


  1. I'm so glad you went. I have so much admiration for the way you can listen to God's plan for you. I really struggle with 'letting go and letting God.'
    I can't believe Dawn was there. What a small world!

  2. Glad to hear that God is working in your life and that you have an ear to hear what the Spirit is speaking. May God always be the one who leads your life.

  3. I'm glad that you went, Allie. I'm sorry it was so hard for you.

    The other day my MIL said, "If you ask God for patience, He will make you wait." I'm glad that you both know that God wants you to wait for now. It's not easy, but I'm sure there is a reason that He wants you to wait.


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