Friday, October 29, 2010

Third anniversary

Our third wedding anniversary is in just a few short weeks. While I am happy that Jack and I are still married, and still working on having a good marriage and working on trying to have the kind of marriage that God wants us to have, I'm sad.

Our third wedding anniversary coming up means that another 3rd anniversary is coming up very close behind it. Our 3rd anniversary of trying to conceive. That sucks. A lot.

I remember very clearly how I felt on our first anniversary.

And from our second anniversary:
Silly me, I thought I may have ovulated. I hate infertility with a passion.

I hate people who tell me stupid stories about people adopting then getting pregnant. Guess what?? That's 1 in a million chances there buddy. Thanks for the ridiculous tid bit that will do me no help and is actually a random happening, not like hey if you adopt you'll get pregnant. *rolls eyes*

Now we are moving on to year three. What will it bring? I have no idea.

I don't know really where we are now. Both Jack and I have felt very convicted about comparing our lives to others. Like wow, that girl is 15 years old... why can SHE have a baby and we can't. Or neither of them have jobs... why can THEY have a baby and we can't? You name it, we're guilty of it. And it's horrible. How pride can destroy us! How dare we be so boastful that we believe we are better or more capable or more deserving. Only God can choose these things. Only God knows who should or shouldn't have babies.

I mean obviously we still wonder why crack addicts have babies. And teenagers, and people in abusive relationships. Anything really, I still wonder.

Infertility makes you think all the time.

Sometimes we live a life of what if's. Sometimes we have to shut ourselves off from the rest of the world.

This time of year really is the hardest for us. Family holidays are rough. The longer we go through this the more things that get difficult. Now I cringe when my friends get married, because it will only be a matter of time before they start trying to conceive. It's a horrible feeling. I don't want my friends to struggle.

2 years ago, I wrote that I didn't want to imagine what our life would be like as just a family of two.

I know that marriage in general is a LOT of hard work. But add infertility in to the mix... Three years together and through infertility should be celebrated like a 25th anniversary. 25 % of couples facing infertility end up getting a divorce. Infertility can rip apart a husband and wife. Infertility can tear you apart.

So yeah. 3rd Anniversary.

Our marriage is what we make of it. What are we going to do with the next 50+ years?

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Feel like I'm spinning my wheels.

I feel like I'm spinning my wheels. I know one shouldn't compare their lives to others, but I'm struggling to find the purpose in my life.

When Jack and I knew we were going to get married, we decided and agreed that I was going to be a stay at home mom. We would have lots of children relatively quickly in our marriage and I would stay home with them and then home school them once they became of school age. We agreed at the time, when I was 21 years old, that there was no need for me to finish school. It would be of no use to me and it was a waste of time and money and didn't fit into our plan.

I'm going to be 25 in February. We have zero kids. I am still only working part time and here and there, depending on what jobs I can find and hold on to. I think we are still kind of holding out hope that somehow this is going to still happen for us. Somehow, some way, I am going to be leaving my part time, going no where job so that I can follow the original plan.... Go back to being a full time wife and mom.

Not being able to conceive has left me feeling like my life has no purpose. Since I was probably 13 or 14, all I aspired to be in my life was a Mom. I wanted to have lots of kids and love them and be all about them and give them a happy life. I dreamed for that and yearned for that. All of my friends planned careers and while I did attend University, I majored in a field that I was interested in and found incredibly easy just to pass the time. All of my friends went to school and had plans and stuck to them and now they are starting their careers.

I'm still here... spinning my wheels... waiting for the light to turn to green so I can take off from the start on my life.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Still putting in the boiler

We are still working on installing our Central Boiler wood burning stove. Jack has made the form (with my help, of course) for the concrete. Today looks like the perfect day to make the concrete and pour it in the form so that we can move the boiler out of the driveway.

We are still working on our wood supply, though not as quickly as we were before. Jack works an hour away and doesn't get home until 5. By 7:30 it is no longer safe to be cutting wood because it is so dark outside, and of course it's only going to get dark earlier and earlier! So we don't have enough time to drive somewhere to cut down some trees and then cut up the wood and load it before we run out of light.

As soon as the boiler is finished being installed, we can move forward with the plan of gathering wood on the weekends.

Today I woke up at about 7:30 and checked on Dixie. Cleaned up the kitchen and did the dishes and watched some Mythbusters. Jack woke up around 8:30 and has been outside working ever since. It is October 9 and it is supposed to be nearly 80 today! It's already starting to be a gorgeous day! Too bad Dixie is out of commission otherwise I would want to take the dogs for a nice long walk.

Dixie got spayed yesterday so she'll be recovering all week. My monster of a puppy is 6 months and 6 days old today and weighs 86 pounds!!! Yep, that's my little beast.

How's my uterus you might wonder? Well, I'm on cycle day 43. My normal cycles are usually around 40-45 days... with a max at 60 days. Anything over 60 days supposedly you're supposed to call your doctor to take some progesterone to bring on your period so you can cycle again. Well... No thanks is what I say. Aside from the fact that after 2 1/2 years, I STILL haven't found a doctor I trust and that doesn't rip us off; what is the point? At this point me without a period is just a convenience instead of a problem.

We are still thinking about adoption, but we really aren't there yet. Especially financially. Maybe in the next year or so we can get back on our feet from the initial shock of buying a house and fixing it up and maintaining it. I am still reeling in all that we have done with the house in 5 short months!

May 5 - Closed on the house.
Painted the ENTIRE 2200 sq ft of ceiling and alllll the walls in the whole house (MYSELF.) ($600)
Put new kitchen cupboards in ($1400)
ALL brand new appliances (fridge, microwave, stove, dishwasher, washer, dryer) ($2200ish)
New carpet everywhere ($4300)
New water softener ($1000)
New water heater (yeah that was a lovely surprise.) ($1200)
Central boiler! (Looks like it's shaping up to be about $8500)


Can't wait until next year when all of this initial cost wears off!!

$19,200. We could have bought a brand new car and paid cash!!!!!!! O.O

We did, however, go from a house that was foreclosed and looked like death at $129,000 to a house that is easily comparable to the $200,000-$250,000 houses. $20,000 worth of improvements DEFINITELY upped the value of our house tremendously.

That is the first time I've added all that up in a while... WOW that was a lot of money!! In 5 MONTHS!

Friday, October 1, 2010

The calendar months just keep flipping by.

It was 2 years ago this month that I first started having bleeding problems... 2 years ago that we first discovered that we weren't just taking a "little while" to get pregnant, that we were actually dealing with infertility.

How has 24 months gone by since the first time a doctor said to me, "Don't worry, you're young." And blew me off? Dear Dr. A... a few more months ... a few 24 more months has gone by. When do YOU think, in your "professional" opinion, that we should start to "worry".

I can't believe how many awful doctors I've met in the last 24 months. I can't believe how many doctors have taken advantage of our situation and our desire to have a child by costing us an arm and a leg and getting us absolutely no where.

We have spent over $10,000 so far just trying to diagnose what is wrong.

I know many have spent much more than that... but we have never done IUI or IVF. So, knowing that, just to DIAGNOSE is a bit ridiculous.

2 years later though, I feel more in love with my husband than ever. We are trying to get our new house ready for Winter. We are putting in a central boiler (a wood burning stove that is outside) and trying to get all that done in the next couple weeks. Last night we dug the trench for the pipes from the boiler to the house. That was a big adventure!

Our 3rd wedding anniversary is next month! We went and had some pictures done last weekend so that we could have some current pictures to frame in our house.

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