Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Feel like I'm spinning my wheels.

I feel like I'm spinning my wheels. I know one shouldn't compare their lives to others, but I'm struggling to find the purpose in my life.

When Jack and I knew we were going to get married, we decided and agreed that I was going to be a stay at home mom. We would have lots of children relatively quickly in our marriage and I would stay home with them and then home school them once they became of school age. We agreed at the time, when I was 21 years old, that there was no need for me to finish school. It would be of no use to me and it was a waste of time and money and didn't fit into our plan.

I'm going to be 25 in February. We have zero kids. I am still only working part time and here and there, depending on what jobs I can find and hold on to. I think we are still kind of holding out hope that somehow this is going to still happen for us. Somehow, some way, I am going to be leaving my part time, going no where job so that I can follow the original plan.... Go back to being a full time wife and mom.

Not being able to conceive has left me feeling like my life has no purpose. Since I was probably 13 or 14, all I aspired to be in my life was a Mom. I wanted to have lots of kids and love them and be all about them and give them a happy life. I dreamed for that and yearned for that. All of my friends planned careers and while I did attend University, I majored in a field that I was interested in and found incredibly easy just to pass the time. All of my friends went to school and had plans and stuck to them and now they are starting their careers.

I'm still here... spinning my wheels... waiting for the light to turn to green so I can take off from the start on my life.

1 comment:

  1. I was talking to my mom recently about reasons for infertility. She was telling me that one of the reasons is timing. Ex: Elizabeth was barren because she needed to be pregnant right before her very, younger cousin, Mary, was pregnant, so that it would be a sign and confirmation to Mary that this was of God.
    My mom believes one reason that she never concieved back some 17 years ago when she started to try, is because she knows they would not have raised that child the same way that they will raise my new, adopted sister. This next generation is going to be forerunners of God's word and see His kingdom come to pass, so it's all about timing.
    I hope this makes sense. I'm always very hesitant to offer any words to people that are dealing with something that I'm not, because they tend to think I have no clue what I'm talking about and I could never understand. And part of that is probably true. But I also know that when people are going through things, silence from friends can really be deafening. Just know I am praying for you and that you are right where God wants you.

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