Friday, October 29, 2010

Third anniversary

Our third wedding anniversary is in just a few short weeks. While I am happy that Jack and I are still married, and still working on having a good marriage and working on trying to have the kind of marriage that God wants us to have, I'm sad.

Our third wedding anniversary coming up means that another 3rd anniversary is coming up very close behind it. Our 3rd anniversary of trying to conceive. That sucks. A lot.

I remember very clearly how I felt on our first anniversary.

And from our second anniversary:
Silly me, I thought I may have ovulated. I hate infertility with a passion.

I hate people who tell me stupid stories about people adopting then getting pregnant. Guess what?? That's 1 in a million chances there buddy. Thanks for the ridiculous tid bit that will do me no help and is actually a random happening, not like hey if you adopt you'll get pregnant. *rolls eyes*

Now we are moving on to year three. What will it bring? I have no idea.

I don't know really where we are now. Both Jack and I have felt very convicted about comparing our lives to others. Like wow, that girl is 15 years old... why can SHE have a baby and we can't. Or neither of them have jobs... why can THEY have a baby and we can't? You name it, we're guilty of it. And it's horrible. How pride can destroy us! How dare we be so boastful that we believe we are better or more capable or more deserving. Only God can choose these things. Only God knows who should or shouldn't have babies.

I mean obviously we still wonder why crack addicts have babies. And teenagers, and people in abusive relationships. Anything really, I still wonder.

Infertility makes you think all the time.

Sometimes we live a life of what if's. Sometimes we have to shut ourselves off from the rest of the world.

This time of year really is the hardest for us. Family holidays are rough. The longer we go through this the more things that get difficult. Now I cringe when my friends get married, because it will only be a matter of time before they start trying to conceive. It's a horrible feeling. I don't want my friends to struggle.

2 years ago, I wrote that I didn't want to imagine what our life would be like as just a family of two.

I know that marriage in general is a LOT of hard work. But add infertility in to the mix... Three years together and through infertility should be celebrated like a 25th anniversary. 25 % of couples facing infertility end up getting a divorce. Infertility can rip apart a husband and wife. Infertility can tear you apart.

So yeah. 3rd Anniversary.

Our marriage is what we make of it. What are we going to do with the next 50+ years?

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