I know that I anticipated that Mother's Day would be one of the hardest days for me this year, but really, the days leading up to it and the anticipation that it would be as horrible as last year's was what made the days leading up to it bad. This past week, I cried and stayed in bed and could barely function as a normal part of society. Even on Saturday, on our way to Jack's cousin's house to go help him cut down some trees, I heard that song The Good Stuff by Kenny Chesney and started bawling.
Mother's Day, however, surprised me. It was a beautiful day. I spent the day avoiding facebook and the internet really like the plague. Finally when I decided to check, I noticed a few things that really surprised me. Most of all that I wasn't bitter or angry towards the people who were celebrating Mother's Day. I don't think less of you because you get to celebrate something that I want so dearly, not even close. I was surprised by the amount of people who are struggling with infertility that were just plain BITTER. I understand grief, I am no stranger to it. I understand struggling with how others deal with your grief and also how it feels when others completely disregard your grief or minimize it.
But, bitterness is just pure anger and spite towards the people who do get to celebrate. I do not want to become that way and the more I was online, the more I was starting to feel like a lot of people in the infertility world are at that point in their struggle.
Something that is difficult in the infertility journey is finding people who have common ground with you, and since there are so many different types of infertility and stages of infertility, and such an enormous and broad age range that it affects, it's difficult to find someone who is exactly where you are at the same time in your journey.
For example: Right now I am - 25 years old. Married at 21 years old. Over 3 years of infertility. Tried various types of pills for fertility treatments. Not comfortable with ARTs (Assisted Reproductive Technology). Male Factor and Female Factor Infertility. Not at all likely to conceive naturally. IVF w/ICSI is our only option as far as ARTs go, and we do not feel comfortable with that. Do not feel called right now to do Domestic Infant Adoption. Getting licensed to Foster/Adopt.
Others could be in their 30's or 40's and still trying using ARTs. Others could be 22 and married just out of high school and never conceived. Each different situation and each different diagnosis comes with it's own level of stresses and losses. ]]
I'm not meaning to bash the people struggling with infertility and bitterness right now, I'm just saying that I'm thankful to finally feel free of that emotion this year.
Jack and I went out to lunch and got sushi which was fabulous. We got whatever we wanted and sat at the bar where you get to watch the sushi chef make it right in front of you. All the other groups of people who were waiting for over an hour by the door were severely annoyed when we waltzed in and were seated. The waitress wished us a happy mothers' day on the way out. We avoided church because our Pastor loves to make a big deal about Mother's Day. He does the oldest mother, mother with the most kids, mother with the newest kid, etc etc. We went to Bass Pro Shop and brought the dogs inside which is always fun, everyone LOVES to see Dixie whenever we take her out in public. I narrowly avoided being singled out for NOT being a mother as we walked in to Bass Pro, they were handing out a rose per child to each mother as they walked through the door. Thankfully the greeter was too busy to ask us, so we swiftly walked right past without making eye contact. We shopped for underground dog fences. Then we went to the Dog Park and enjoyed the sunshine while the dogs ran around like crazy. After the dog park, we went out to dinner at the little place in our town. I got a sandwich and Jack got a quesadilla. Then we headed home and I spent the evening reading and Jack worked on the basement renovation. It was a simple and peaceful Sunday, just like and no different than any other.
I was INCREDIBLY touched by a dear friend who sent me a facebook message telling me that she was thinking of me and that she hoped I had a good day. I got the message on Saturday night, an email showed up notifying me and Jack read it. "Hey, A----- says she hopes you have a good day and that she is thinking about you.... what was that in response to?" I teared up immediately... It was in response to nothing. I felt SO loved, I can't even describe it. He didn't understand at first that she just posted that out of the blue, just to be kind. He was super touched too.
As we were driving to lunch when we first left the house, Jack started to get pretty emotional. He was saying that so far he didn't feel too panicked or worried about the day and I was agreeing saying that it was incredibly peaceful. Then he made me the most beautiful promise that I have ever heard (besides our wedding vows). He said, "When things change for us... we are going to make a HUGE deal out of Mother's Day." I can just picture how things are going to be so different. And I'm so hopeful and so looking forward to that day!
So here is hoping that next year, we will be joining the ranks and I will be able to enjoy the service and spectacle that our Pastor puts on. And that I will not run and hide when someone tries to hand me a rose and I will not grimace when the waitress ignorantly wishes me a happy mother's day. And that I will enjoy every minute of being a mother and never take it for granted as soon as it happens for me!