Jack and I were told very clearly that we would not conceive naturally without the help of Assisted Reproductive Technology, more specifically, IVF with ICSI. Due to the nature of our infertility problems... where I never ovulate on my own, my cycles are not regular. On top of that, Jack's sperm is such that while he has a good count and a good amount of swimming and moving sperm, the shape of them is not a healthy shape. It's odd shape makes it impossible in the rare event that I would ovulate, and if sperm and egg did meet, that the sperm would be unable to fertilize the egg.
Understanding this, and lots of prayer and guidance from the Lord has brought us to where we were when I last wrote.
It is my hope and prayer that anyone out there who reads my blog and hasn't come forward to me, will understand that I am praying for all of your aching hearts. I understand where you've been, I understand the immeasurable depths of sorrow that come with infertility. I am praying for peace and comfort for you.
I have taken the time to contact every person that I can think of who has ever told me that they are struggling to conceive. I am hoping that I have not forgotten anyone, and if I have, I am sincerely sorry for that.
On Tuesday morning, I woke up with the same "symptoms" that I wrote about in my last blog post. I poked myself in the side of my boob and got up to pee. The night before, I had stopped by my best friend's house to pick up a left over pregnancy test that she wasn't going to use since she is 25 weeks pregnant. She offered it to me. Obviously, it isn't possible for me to get pregnant, so I didn't want to waste any money buying any tests.
I said some half-hearted prayer, half awake, something along the lines of, "God please let me be pregnant." I sat down on the toilet, ripped open the EPT and peed on it. I always watch the liquid move across to make sure that I held it in the urine for long enough and went to set it down, but as I watched the liquid and dye move across the test... an unmistakable positive showed up IMMEDIATELY. Shock doesn't begin to describe my emotions.
I fell to the floor in the bathroom, didn't bother wiping or pulling my pants up... just pants around the ankles, sitting on my bathroom floor sobbing. How can this be?? Is this real?? That looks real.... what does this mean?? Am I... could I possibly be...??
I immediately called Jack. I was sobbing and he couldn't understand me, so he said he would call me back and he left his desk and walked outside. When he called me back, it had been 2 minutes and it was undeniable. I had cleaned myself up (haha) and moved my sob fest into the nursery where I sat on the floor holding this pregnancy test and bawled. Jack called me back and all I could squeak out was, "The test is positive!!!" I couldn't say anything else and Jack was speechless.
I cried on the phone with him for a good 10 minutes and then he had to go back in to work.
I pulled myself together and called my best friend who gave me the pregnancy test... I started sobbing as soon as I heard the phone ringing. It's POSITIVE I told her. I couldn't believe this.
I went to the doctor to have my blood drawn and my first beta was 6,274! Definitely positive!! I'm definitely pregnant!
Do you need a minute? I have had since Tuesday to let all of this soak in and had enough time to share with the people I could think of to share before I posted this publicly. I understand if you need a minute.
Let's re-cap. 3 1/2 years of trying. $10,000+ spent on trying to figure out WHY it wasn't happening. Months of fertility drugs. Went to one of the top Reproductive Endocrinologists in Michigan and were told that, "It would literally be a miracle if you conceived on your own." This was NEVER supposed to happen for us. We were NOT supposed to be able to conceive. SURPRISE? I'm pregnant!
Who do I want to call most?? This doctor to tell him that I knew I had a God of MIRACLES...
We are so incredibly blessed to be able to share this news. I have no idea how many people read this blog, so I have no idea how many people are going to be hurting when we share this news. My heart is continuing to break for everyone who is still waiting, or other people who have been told similar things.
We are so blessed to be able to have told our parents. My mom ugly-cried (you know, makes the super ugly face while she is in such shock that she can't cover it up... you know what ugly-cry is). My sister says she knew it. I called my Grandma and got to tell her the awesome news too. Yesterday we spent the day with Jack's family and got to tell Mother-in-Law and Father-in-Law and Brother-in-law and future sister-in-law. When I got to tell my dad and his wife, I told them congratulations, you're going to be grandparents! My dad, bless his heart, says "oh Great! Did your well pass?? Are you going to be getting some kids?" Well, yes dad... but I'm also pregnant. :)
I am so grateful for every minute that I have this precious gift growing inside me.
I have no way to predict the future, but I do know that we are incredibly blessed to be pregnant right now... and right now, we want to share our news and celebrate with all of our friends and family and strangers who have lifted us up and supported us through this journey. I know God numbers our days before he creates us in the womb, so our baby's days have a number to them... and I am SO blessed and thankful to be able to share this miracle with all of you who openly and privately supported us.
I know it's common practice to wait until the pregnancy is out of the first trimester, but we couldn't bare the thought of not sharing this Miracle that God has given us. Even if we have to "un-tell" people in the future, we are prepared to do that, as long as we got to share our testimony in the first place. The testimony is that this child was never to be conceived according to science. And in my uterus is growing a miracle baby.
We were not doing any type of fertility treatment, we were not charting aside from that I know when the first day of my last period was. We were not even keeping track of intercourse or CM. We have done nothing to take credit for in this miracle... this pregnancy is 100% "a God thing."
Do I believe this miracle will happen for everyone? I'm definitely not saying that, but all I know is that my God is a God of miracles. He has changed our lives without us even being aware. He has given us this unbelievable gift that we couldn't be more grateful for.
Then said Jesus unto him, Except ye see signs and wonders, ye will not believe. John 4:48.
Jesus said unless you see these signs and wonders, you won't believe...
Do you see this sign and wonder?
This is one of those miracle pregnancy stories. I cannot believe what I see here... and I cannot believe how blessed we are to be one of His miracles :)
A lot of people have asked us if we are going to continue to do foster care... the answer to that question is, Of course we are!! Our well passed and right now we are just waiting to hear if we have been submitted to the State yet for our licensing, or if it has already been submitted and we are waiting to hear back from the State for our license. We still fully believe and understand our calling to serve others, and Foster Parenting is what God has chosen for us right now.
We had also just submitted our application for Domestic Infant adoption... but I think that one we will hold off on. It was going to cost $22,000 and we were trying to come up with a plan on how to save up and come up with that kind of money. So for now, we are just going to continue to consciously save money for that adoption that we will do some day, but as we hope and pray that this pregnancy is healthy, and that we bring home a healthy baby, we will hold off on Domestic Infant Adoption.
What I can't stand about the way all of this went down is that I am, and as exasperated as it makes me.... we are the total cliché. In the month of May, we went on two vacations. We were relaxed. We had let go, we were moving on. Not only had we relaxed and stopped trying... we were also doing foster/adopt and beginning to pursue Domestic Infant Adoption... so far into the process, that I will actually have to call my adoption worker and let her know that we are planning to hold off on that.
I hate that we have become the cliche. I hate that I have been fighting against people saying stupid things like everything that is true to us above. Those things are not the reason that we conceived. We conceived because God gave us this gift in His time. It just so happened that we did all of those things before conception. So again, don't tell someone that you know that I am a miracle story and all of the things I did before we conceived our child... because all of those things are not WHY I am pregnant today. I am pregnant today because of the Grace and unending Love of God. Period. This is HIS miracle and no amount of anything that I did or did not do the months or years before conception had any hold on whether this did or did not happen. Just keep that in mind, please. Please continue to be sensitive to your friends and family who are struggling.
We did NOTHING to earn this pregnancy. I just want to make sure and explain that our faith, or our prayers or actions of any kind are not the reason we conceived. God chooses what he chooses for who he chooses it for, and it's not that we prayed more or had more faith than someone else and that's why we are pregnant and someone else isn't. I do believe, however, that God did hear EVERY one of our prayers and the prayers of our families and friends for us and he has counted every tear that has been cried over this. I know that He has and had a plan for our lives and THIS is a part of it, again not because of anything I did or didn't do.
Also please remember to not minimize what we have gone through to get here today. "I told you this would happen." Or "I knew all you had to do was adopt and you'd get pregnant." Or "I knew it wasn't that hard for you to conceive..." are all unhelpful types of comments for us. What we have gone through in the last 3 1/2 years leading up to this was the most heart breaking time of our life. Which means we are all the more overjoyed to get to experience this pregnancy, however much of it God chooses to allow us to have. I have had a lot of friends who have lost children during pregnancy, in pre-term labor, or infant loss. I can't begin to imagine their heartache, or begin to imagine their loss, but I understand it does happen.
For right now... I am 6 weeks and 4 days pregnant (according to my LMP) and my estimated due date (EDD) is March 14, 2012. I will write this day on the calendar... I will share this testimony as many times as I can. THIS is what God can do!