Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Lots of drafts ... no posts (pg ment)

Even though I leave the house maybe once a week for only a few hours at a time, I still feel like we are super busy.  Maybe I feel like we're busy because Jack is super busy and I'm just here watching him be busy?

Jack has been awesome.  I just want to brag on my husby a little bit here... Since I found out I was pregnant and my morning (afternoon and night) sickness set in, Husby has been amazing.  He's patient and loving and will get up in the middle of eating dinner to grab me a barf bowl or a glass of water or anything really.  He does all the cooking and cleaning and grocery shopping since I can't go near food and don't have the energy to clean around the house like I used to.  Jack will wake up in the middle of the night to hug me after I've had a nightmare too!

Speaking of nightmare... I've had some ridiculously vivid dreams in the last few weeks.  Most of them really random and weird, but a couple of them have been horrible nightmares. 

Last night I had a nightmare about bleeding and going to the hospital to make sure everything was okay and ending up with a skeevy doctor. 

Last weekend, we headed out to Jack's Grandparents house (wayyyy out in the sticks, takes us almost 2 hours to get to their house.) for Jack's Grandma's birthday.  That was fun, it was great to see family and visit for a while. 

This week, I don't think we have too much going on.  We are really trying to finish things up and catch up on bills and stuff and get ready for winter pretty soon here.  Jack wants to re-wire the garage and then insulate it so he will be able to work in the garage during the winter.  He also wants to buy the heater that adapts on to our wood burning stove for the garage.  We still need to get quite a bit more wood (I think, I don't want to have to deal with going out to get wood in the winter.)

I also went shopping with my best friend yesterday for a couple hours (my first time leaving the house on my own in WEEKS!) and we headed to old Navy so I could buy some maternity jeans.  My pants are too tight to wear comfortably with my nausea so instead of living in sweat pants, I thought it would be much more comfortable to wear stretchy maternity pants. 

I keep attempting to buy maternity clothes that are on sale right now for the winter ... just a bunch of cute sweaters and a coat, but I haven't had the courage to just pull the trigger on it.  I kinda wish I was having one more ultrasound in a week and a half instead of having to wait until 17-20 weeks!

A lot of people do these fun surveys during pregnancy blogging... so hey, why not.

How far along:  10 weeks 3 days
How big is baby: Crown to rump about 1.2 inches... the size of a strawberry.
Total weight gain:  2 lbs.... I feel huge though. 
Maternity clothes:  I have a pair of capris and now jeans that I bought yesterday that I haven't worn yet... can't wear my normal jeans any more.  Jack doesn't think I look any bigger but if I can't zip up my pants, I think he's got lover goggles on lol.
Sleep:  I sleep all the time.
Best moment of the week: Getting out of the house to go shopping with my BFF.
Food cravings:  I want to smell pumpkin stuff, I don't want to eat anything!
Food aversions:  Everything.
Symptoms:  Nausea, vomitting, cramping, headaches.  Every day is one day closer to baby!
Movement:  Nothing that I can feel yet, but with my doppler when I find the heartbeat, it doesn't take long for the baby to move out of the range. 
Gender:  No idea... still not sure if we are finding out before birth.
What I’m looking forward to:  Feeling movement!! 
What I miss:  I am very happy to be sick every day... but I miss being able to run my house... soon enough I will be back to running my roost though :) 
Next appt:  September 15th

I guess that's all I have for now... it's been weeks it feels like since my last update... just wanted to write something :)

Friday, August 12, 2011

First Pregnancy Blab Post

So I wanted to do a separate post for this in case there were people who wanted to avoid these things all together... and if you don't avoid it, at least you know in advance that this is going to be a post that is 100% dedicated to blabbing about my pregnancy so far.

1st.  Finding out.
On July 20th, I woke up in the morning and my boobs hurt so I decided I would pee on a stick.  I said a half-hearted prayer asking God for His miracle here and then peed on the test.  I have always watched the line of urine spread across the test just to make sure that I had enough urine on it, and before I could set the test down to finish up my business on the toilet, the test had already shown up as stark of a positive as I have ever seen.  There was no doubt whatsoever... That was a positive pregnancy test.
I don't know why I'm holding the test upside down, the plus sign is what the urine hits first.  From right to left in this picture is how it should be read and how the urine goes across.  

I literally threw myself off the toilet (my pants still around my ankles) and sat on the floor in front of the toilet (I have no idea why) and began to sob.  I called Jack as fast as I could make my shaking fingers hit the right places on my phone.  He couldn't understand me and said he would need to call me back, and went to walk outside to call me back.

"ITS POSITIVE" I yelled at him when he called back, through my sobs.  Jack told me he thought one of the dogs had been hit by a car for how hard I was crying and how little he could understand me.  He was also confused because we both assumed the test would be negative, and we have experienced negative tests before, so why was I taking THIS one so hard? 

"ITS POSITIVE.  THE TEST IS POSITIVE!!!!!!!!"  Are you sure?  "AS SURE AS I CAN BE!!!!"  I got up from the bathroom, (cleaned up) and then went and sat on the floor in our nursery.  Cradling that test that had my urine on it.  That test was the most precious thing I had ever held in my life.  Jack and I sat on the phone for another 10 minutes maybe with me crying and trying to calm down, trying to wrap my head around what I was holding, promising to send Jack a picture.

After I got off the phone with Jack, I sat in the nursery for a few minutes more and pulled myself together, I carried my test downstairs and took the picture you see above.  I emailed it to him and then called my best friend (who gave me the pregnancy test, since she was already pregnant and didn't need the last test.)  When I heard the ringing on the phone, I started bawling all over again.  I could barely even squeak out the words that I was pregnant and the test was positive!! 

These both are the most precious moments I have experienced in my life... I only wish that I would have taken the test with my husband home, but I will never forget being able to share that news while it was so raw and so fresh with the 2 closest people in the world to me!  

We decided not to share anything with our families yet, and I called my doctor right away.  I went in for a blood draw and go the results the next day, 6,274!  Definitely pregnant!!  On my way home from getting my blood drawn, my best friend and I went to rite Aid and we picked out another pregnancy test and a digital.  When Jack got home from work, I took both of them.  The line on the FRER (First Response Early Response) was darker on the test line than the control line!!  And YES+ showed up on the digital! 

 We went out to dinner with my best friend and her husband to celebrate that night.  Before dinner, we stopped by my mom's place.  I had told my mom a couple weeks before that we had submitted our application for the domestic infant adoption and that we had to save up $22k for it, and she had been giving me her spare change every time I saw her to help us save up.  So when we got there, she went and grabbed a handful of spare change off the dryer and handed it to me.  

I had my mom sit down at the table, while Jack got out my camera to record.  I had her close her eyes and I said I had something for her.  She put out her hands and in one hand, I handed her back her change and said we won't need this for a while now... and in the other a ziplock bag with my 3 positive (2 regular and one digital) pregnancy tests inside.  She opened her eyes and when she saw what she was holding, obviously there would only be one reason why we would show her pregnancy tests.  She was in complete shock, her mouth opened wide and she just kept asking, "How!?"  Jack told her, "When two people love each other very much...."

My mom has a super big mouth, so I knew I didn't have much time to tell the other people in my family that I wanted to so I would have to do it immediately.  I called my sister and blurted it out and told her and said that I had just told Mom and that's why I had to tell her so my mom didn't lol.

Then I called my Gramma (my mom's mom) and put her on speaker phone.  I asked her if she would mind crocheting me (she makes BEAUTIFUL crocheted afghans) a small yellow or green afghan.  "Oh sure honey."  And... if possible, have it ready on or around March 14th...   "Are you.... PREGNANT??"  Then my Gramma cried.  Then I cried.  Then my mom cried.  We are criers... I get it from my Gramma I guess.  :)  

What an unbelievable and amazing feeling to be able to tell my Mom she's going to be a Grandma and my Gramma that she's going to be a Great-Gramma  (Again, my cousin Caron has 3 kids.)  I had so much fun telling them that and Jack just walked around with this big old smile on his face. 

Telling my Dad and his wife was fun too.  I think my Dad's response has been my absolute favorite so far.  I called him and he didn't answer right after I left my Mom's and he called me back the next morning.  My Dad's thing is speakerphone, so around 8am, (I was dead asleep) I woke up to a phone call.  My Dad says, "Hey Al, it's Dad, you're on speakerphone in the kitchen with Kel... just returning your call."  I suppose I could have done it with more finesse but, I just woke up, give me a break!  I said, "Oh, Dad.  I was calling to tell you Congratulations... you're going to be Grandparents!"  This is what I think my Dad is super awesome for saying, "Oh wow, that's great!! Did your well pass?  Are you going to be getting kids soon?"  I had to choke back laughter.  "Well, Yeah Dad, that too.  But... I'm pregnant!!"   "WHAAAAT????"   Both my Dad and Kelly were super excited too!  And I'm due within days of Kelly's birthday! 

Jack's family did NOT turn out as planned at all.  We wanted to wait until the weekend because Jack's Dad works nights so there wasn't going to be a time when all four of them could be there (brother-in-law, sister-in-law, mother-in-law and father-in-law).  We really debated whether or not to tell this side of the family because Brother-in-law and Sister-in-law got married on August 6th and we didn't want to steal their thunder.  In the end, we decided to share it with the immediate family and let Brother-in-law and sister-in-law decide if they were okay with us sharing the news with everyone else.

Sister-in-law found out first.  Let's just say sometimes what happens at bachelorette parties is a little too intense of girl talk... and I didn't have a choice but to spill the beans.  Sister-in-law was shocked and held back tears.  She just kept saying she couldn't believe it and telling her best friend's husband, "NO. You just don't understand how big of a deal this is!!"  As he stared at her lol.  

Then I knew that Jack would need to call his brother right away if he wanted the opportunity to tell him before sister-in-law did, so he called him.  BIL was up since he was waiting for SIL to get home safely after the night of festivities (I was driving, no big deal, we were just up late laughing and have a good time.)  BIL was excited too.  I'm bummed that I didn't get to see BIL and SIL react together and in person! 

Then the next day, we went to MIL and FIL's to tell them.  When we got there, MIL was out running errands.  I felt horrible and had thrown up that morning, and I didn't want to hang out all day so I had Jack just tell his Dad.  His Dad teared up and tried to hold it together before going back out in the garage to work with his buddies that were over there.  FIL is a big sap and if you hit him with the right stuff, he will cry right then and there. 

FIL conspired with us to trick MIL into coming home early from her entire day of errands.  Finally after about 3 hours, she came home.  When she came in the kitchen, FIL came inside and BIL came in to film.  Jack handed his mom the bag of pregnancy tests and she just couldn't wrap her head around it.  She knew what they were and understood why we would be showing them to us... but she just couldn't quite figure it out.  After she did her and FIL hugged and FIL said hey, Happy Anniversary Grandma!!  Their 33rd (I believe, maybe 34th) anniversary was a few days later and they were ecstatic to be grandparents! 
BIL and SIL were totally happy for us and were happy that we had such great news to share and gave their blessing to let other people in the family know.  So Jack called his Grandma and let her know and she started screaming and crying and called his Grandpa in the house.  Grandpa made some vulgar remark to Jack in the spirit of man bonding and Jack loved it.  It took Grandma Phyllis about 5 minutes to call the rest of the family to let them know lol within a few minutes we started getting phone calls and texts!

We had to wait until August 1st for our insurance to be active since Jack just switched jobs, and on August 1st I had my first appointment with the Nurser Practitioner who gave me a whole bag full of swag.  Pregnancy magazines and planner and all sorts of other stuff.  August 3rd was my first appointment with my OB.

We saw a baby and a heartbeat and I just started bawling.  I couldn't believe that everything was as it should be and that we had a perfectly healthy baby growing right where science and medicine and doctors said would never be.  Half me and half Jack, and we couldn't be more in love.  

I took the time to send letters to my friends who are still struggling to get pregnant to let them know first, and I had disabled my wall so that no one could surprise the friends that I hadn't had a chance to get to yet.  

After this point, I was still really scared.  I didn't want to talk about it and I really didn't want to post a picture of the sonogram on facebook because I know how painful that is.  I still haven't, and I probably won't. 

Last night for the first time, I got to hear the heartbeat on my Doppler.  It's still REALLY early for that so I'm surprised I could hear it so well, but it was without a doubt the baby's heartbeat!  

Original Video - More videos at TinyPic

Hopefully that little sound clip works.  

Then today we had to go to the hospital for another ultrasound, and this one I measured 8 weeks and 5 days.  

It was perfect and amazing and we got to see the little heart beat flicker. 

So that's all the nitty gritty details that I can think of.  I'm madly in love, I'm so grateful to be pregnant.

I have had some pretty extreme morning sickness, but I'm thankful for it.  I'm thankful to have weird cramps and twinges and be more constipated than I ever thought humanly possible.  I'm looking forward to every weird milestone and praying for this baby and this pregnancy to continue on as perfectly as it has been.  I'm so grateful and so happy for this miracle and Jack and I thank God every single day for it. He is the reason we are experiencing this JOY and we are praising HIS name. 

Having a hard time finding the words

I have been having a hard time finding the words to write a post.

I'm struggling with a lot of things, most hard to put into words.

I was feeling like I had survivor's guilt.  Why am I pregnant and how did this happen for us?  There are so many of my friends so dear to my heart with their hearts still breaking and probably breaking right now as they read this.  I hurt for everyone who is still hurting.  My heart still knows that pain so well, and I hurt right now to think about what it's like to read things like this, so I'm so torn. 

I have had 2 ultrasounds now, both have been perfect.  I feel like I have been waiting for the other shoe to drop, and my body couldn't be trusted up until now... why is it knowing what to do now? 

I'm still scared.  But I think I am just ready to let go of my fears, God gave us this perfect miracle that only He could do... I don't want to be scared.  I want to enjoy every second that He allows us to!

I don't know how to really go on from here... I feel like an impostor really.  My whole identity was wrapped up so long in being infertile, and then after that was the "then what?"  And now this part of my story, which was so unexpected and miraculous... I can't just deny or hide. 

I still don't feel comfortable talking with other pregnant women or mothers, I sort of feel like I'm wearing a pregnant costume when I'm in those situations.  I physically FEEL pregnant, I know my toilet bowl by heart and I'm starting to think I should get some rhinestones and embellish my puke bowl that I carry everywhere with me so it can at least be a fashion accessory!  I am so happy to get to have my own morning sickness war stories.

I am hoping and praying that every time I share my experience through this pregnancy that everyone who is here and hurting knows my heart.  My heart is breaking still for each and every person who still has a broken heart over infertility or who is going through the trenches of it.  I will never forget that, or those who are hurting.  I fully and totally support anyone who is still hurting that decides to turn away from this blog, but I hope to make infertiles proud, and I hope to show what life is like after infertility, and that God willing, I never forget others who are hurting.

But that being said, I am starting to feel like I am doing an injustice.  I have a big bloggy soap box that so many have become so accustomed to me shouting off of, and suddenly I've disappeared.  I'm not sharing every miracle and every single thing that I wrote so often about how I missed and mourned.  I'm not showing people how grateful I am for this miracle and how amazing it is that we get to experience it.  I know that reading about our experiences will break hearts because there are so many still waiting, but I  don't think it's right for me to hide all of this.  I am going to try to figure out a way to have it be under a different tab or something, but I am not sure if blogger is sophisticated enough of a blog host to allow such things.  We will see, so for now it will all still be under the same heading.

We ARE grateful, we are so overjoyed and we have loved every single minute of this. 

So, without further ado, I would like to introduce our first child:
Image and video hosting by TinyPic
Little blob - Say hello to my special corner of the world.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

25 Resolutions ... More than halfway through the year already. Update

# 1 : My #1 most important goal for 2011 is to finish reading the Bible cover to cover. Still plugging along... 

# 2 : Spend more time with my husband and getting to know how better and growing closer to him. Never have I felt so close to my love.

# 3 : Get to my goal weight!! Gonna have to put this off until March ;)

# 4 : Quit biting my nails. DONE!

#5 : Get pregnant. DONE!  See here.

# 6 : Personally lead at least 1 person to know Christ as their personal savior. Done! See here.

# 7 : Spend more time growing my friendships.  Happy with this progress this year.

# 8 : Join some kind of a small group. Doing the Women of the Word

# 9 : Get more involved with our church. We went on a Couple's Retreat and Couple's Date Night, and attempted to start an Infertility Ministry.

# 10 : Become members at our church. January 23rd!

# 11 : Finish at least 10 quilts. (For me!) Nope!! I have barely sewn a thing all year!

# 12 : Read at least 75 books.  Looking for book # 50!  Check out my progress at my Master List!

# 13 : Keep my house cleaner! I think I'm doing fairly well with this.... not so much in the last 2 weeks though.

# 14 : Get to know my neighbors better.  Ehh.

# 15 : Sing in front of my church congregation. Not yet.

# 16 : Save $20,000.  We aren't going to meet this goal lol.  Maybe $10,000.

# 17: Pray for my family and friends daily. Yup.

# 18: Finish reading the Bible through the first time (I'm about 55% done) and read it a second time all the way through. Still going on first time through :/

# 19: Rely on God for the big things and the little things. Working on that.

# 20: Share my faith with at least 1 new person a week. I feel like this blog is my avenue to reach new people. I'm always getting new subscribers and I can't even believe how many views I have on this blog... I think it's over 17,000 now!!

# 21: Find a person to bless each week.  Working on me right now ;) 

# 22: No Fast Food and No Pop. Yup, besides very occasional situations.

# 23: Paint my 2nd Bedroom. Done!! I wish I had remembered the date, but I think it was in March or April.

# 24: Learn something new. I've learned a lot of new things :)

# 25: Take a vacation. We went on lots of vacations in May!! I'm hoping we will have one more this fall but I don't know if I will be up to it. 

So... Out of my 25.... I have completed : 18.  
So far I feel pretty awesome about that.  I think it's awesome that I am on book 50 out of 75!  I am more than 50% through the Bible... I don't know if I'll make it to read it a second time.  Out of the ones that I have not completed... I can't diet any more,  I've sort of lost interest for now on sewing anything, I have no idea why.  

I think I've done an awesome job... most times when I make resolutions they are forgotten by the end of January.  I'm pretty impressed with myself :)  

Monday, August 1, 2011

Not much to report yet... Hopeful and Worried

I read an interesting article about pregnancy after infertility.  Women who experience years of infertility believe from experience that their bodies are not capable of doing what God created them to do.  Thousands of dollars and thousands of tears have taught us women with infertility very well that our bodies are NOT to be trusted.  Not to be trusted to ovulate on their own.  Not to be trusted to ovulate even when we are given nearly inhumane amounts of follicle stimulating hormones, that one must chart to *be sure* ovulation has occurred.  Not to be trusted for our period to come when it's supposed to.  Our bodies are just plain and simple, Not to be Trusted. 

As a result of our skepticism of our bodies and our inability to trust them to do as designed, it rolls over into pregnancy as well.  My body couldn't be trusted to do ANYTHING it was supposed to do before when it was supposed to do it... how closely am I going to have to manage and watch over this pregnancy?  After years of failures, I'm used to expecting failure.  It makes sense.  It's not pessimism or negativity.  It's reality.

Each little twinge and pain that I have felt, I have questioned endlessly.  I am trying to tell my brain not to fall too in love with my beta number that was oh-so-high.  I'm trying to help myself to not be disappointed for the inevitable fail that will come with this... because that's what I'm used to. 

I'm very grateful to have minimal cramping (which seems normal considering how much your uterus has to grow... supposedly by 7 weeks it's already 2 times the size it is normally.... is that just NUTS or what?)  I have had no spotting or bleeding, which I still religously check for each time I go to the bathroom, which seems to have multiplied from the normal amount that I need to urinate.

Everything appears to be going smashingly.  I've also read places that the more morning sickness you have, the more likely you will deliver a healthy baby... so that being said, I'm having a super healthy baby :)

Today, I had my first appointment with my OB/GYN (amazing that I don't drop the OB part off, as I have become so accustomed to in the past 3 1/2 years.)  I met with the Nurse Practitioner to go over patient history.  I am overall an incredibly healthy woman.  Jack is a healthy man.  And we have healthy families (as far as I know.) 

Wednesday will be our first ultrasound.  A lot of OB's are no longer doing this ultrasound which I find kind of odd, but whatever.  This ultrasound is to determine viability.  Is this baby in my uterus... or in my tube or somewhere else entirely?  I have to know, I couldn't imagine not getting this ultrasound!!

Jack is taking time off work to come with me on Wednesday.  We will be praying that all goes well and that we can see our baby and see a healthy and strong heartbeat as well.

We are cautiously optimistic.  For right now... I'm pregnant! 7 weeks 5 days.