Friday, August 12, 2011

Having a hard time finding the words

I have been having a hard time finding the words to write a post.

I'm struggling with a lot of things, most hard to put into words.

I was feeling like I had survivor's guilt.  Why am I pregnant and how did this happen for us?  There are so many of my friends so dear to my heart with their hearts still breaking and probably breaking right now as they read this.  I hurt for everyone who is still hurting.  My heart still knows that pain so well, and I hurt right now to think about what it's like to read things like this, so I'm so torn. 

I have had 2 ultrasounds now, both have been perfect.  I feel like I have been waiting for the other shoe to drop, and my body couldn't be trusted up until now... why is it knowing what to do now? 

I'm still scared.  But I think I am just ready to let go of my fears, God gave us this perfect miracle that only He could do... I don't want to be scared.  I want to enjoy every second that He allows us to!

I don't know how to really go on from here... I feel like an impostor really.  My whole identity was wrapped up so long in being infertile, and then after that was the "then what?"  And now this part of my story, which was so unexpected and miraculous... I can't just deny or hide. 

I still don't feel comfortable talking with other pregnant women or mothers, I sort of feel like I'm wearing a pregnant costume when I'm in those situations.  I physically FEEL pregnant, I know my toilet bowl by heart and I'm starting to think I should get some rhinestones and embellish my puke bowl that I carry everywhere with me so it can at least be a fashion accessory!  I am so happy to get to have my own morning sickness war stories.

I am hoping and praying that every time I share my experience through this pregnancy that everyone who is here and hurting knows my heart.  My heart is breaking still for each and every person who still has a broken heart over infertility or who is going through the trenches of it.  I will never forget that, or those who are hurting.  I fully and totally support anyone who is still hurting that decides to turn away from this blog, but I hope to make infertiles proud, and I hope to show what life is like after infertility, and that God willing, I never forget others who are hurting.

But that being said, I am starting to feel like I am doing an injustice.  I have a big bloggy soap box that so many have become so accustomed to me shouting off of, and suddenly I've disappeared.  I'm not sharing every miracle and every single thing that I wrote so often about how I missed and mourned.  I'm not showing people how grateful I am for this miracle and how amazing it is that we get to experience it.  I know that reading about our experiences will break hearts because there are so many still waiting, but I  don't think it's right for me to hide all of this.  I am going to try to figure out a way to have it be under a different tab or something, but I am not sure if blogger is sophisticated enough of a blog host to allow such things.  We will see, so for now it will all still be under the same heading.

We ARE grateful, we are so overjoyed and we have loved every single minute of this. 

So, without further ado, I would like to introduce our first child:
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Little blob - Say hello to my special corner of the world.


3 comments:

  1. I'm so glad you decided to post this. Little blog is beautiful! ((HUGS))

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  2. As someone who is currently struggling with infertility, I just want to say that your blog is a JOY, not a source of pain for me. I love reading about life after infertility and how God can use it for your glory. I know I'm just one reader, but please know that it is an encouragement to me to hear about your pregnancy!

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  3. Thanks Megan!

    And thanks Becky! It means a lot to me that you share your experience reading my blog, I would never want to hurt anyone by sharing my testimony!

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