Sunday, September 11, 2011

Such a strange feeling

You know that feeling when you're sleeping and something unknown jolts you awake?  Or when you're relaxing and there's a loud noise and you jump? 

That is what the last 8 weeks of my life have been like.  Every day.

Especially at night when my thoughts go where ever they please.

I'll be laying there and relaxing, halfway asleep, and suddenly I jolt awake.  And I realize again, I'm pregnant! 

This is such a strange situation, and hard to describe and super weird for Jack and I to be in. 

Maybe it's because I had accepted and let go of my dreams of pregnancy... years ago.  I had fully moved on and given up. 

It's not like I even knew when the first day of my last period was when I took a test, because I had been paying that little attention.

It wasn't like we were on a strict, numbered day cycle where certain things and tests and procedures would happen on certain days and on day 28, there would be a beta draw.  Nothing even close to that.  There was no anticipation for this.  There was no waiting.  There was no expectation.

I feel like a broken record, but every day I wake up in shock.  What is this miracle that I am experiencing? 

I don't know if it's a gift or what it is, but every day feels like the first day that we found out.  Every day, I still feel that extreme well of emotions that I don't know how to express.

I am literally living out our dreams. 

In my sleep, I will have dreams about being pregnant and then I wake up and realize that it wasn't a sad hopeful dream... it's REAL. 

It's such a shock to me every time I walk past the nursery at the top of my stairs because all of those items that we bought to shower love on other people's children... we will soon be using on our own child. 

I know a lot of people have known about our struggle over the last nearly 4 years and I recently heard from someone who noticed on facebook that I was pregnant and sent me a message.  After a couple one or two sentence messages back and forth, she dropped the bomb on me.  "Did you get pregnant naturally?"  I had to re-read this... Is this pregnancy any less valid if I didn't get pregnant "naturally"? 

I am so used to being so ready to be an advocate for people with infertility that I don't know how to be pregnant after infertility.  Especially pregnant with a miracle baby.  Does anyone know how to do this?  I suppose Virgin Mary does... But since I can't have a conversation with her...

I think it might be nice to be able to talk to people who have experienced what I am experiencing.  When I read forums where women are pregnant after infertility, there is about 0.0001% of them who had miraculous pregnancies... the rest were a result of years of infertility treatments and tens of thousands of dollars.  I can't relate to that, I did spend over $10,000 on trying to get pregnant... but I didn't do IUI or IVF.  And I spent that money in 2008 and 2009.  It's 2011. 

I think it's great that I'm still so thrilled and shocked... but it makes it strange to just BE.  I don't know what to say most of the day... I spend my days (mostly because I'm sick, not because I'm just a bum lol) watching a baby story on TV or watching pregnancy announcement videos on youtube.  Hours and hours watching. 

Maybe too it's because I feel like Jack and I are the only ones who remember and really think about everything that it took to get us to the point where we are today.  Allison's pregnant.  That's a loaded sentence.  But not to everyone.  And it makes it feel so much less big when it feels like all of our struggles for almost 4 years just flew out the window when people hear those words.  I don't think it's necessary to constantly re-hash what happened, and that's not what I mean.  I just think that people forget things.  In with the good and out with all the bad.  Which on one hand is great... but if you don't remember the bad, you have NO clue HOW good it is. 

God is HUGE and this is what He did for us.  And this was His miracle.  I just feel like every day, He isn't glorified enough with our day to day.  I don't really know what we can do ... Jack goes to work, and does his thing.  And I'm at home doing my thing. 

I just hope that people remember every time they ask me to come hang out, and I say, I can't I'm throwing up... that this is God's miracle.  I am throwing up because I'm pregnant.  And it IS a big deal.  It's not just one of those things... or something EVERYBODY goes through.... I'm pregnant with a child that was a miracle to conceive.   The odds were beyond stacked against us.  Our one in a million baby is making me sick.

I don't think there was any flow at all to this post.  And well... whatever.  It's my blog.  And I'm just sharing my thoughts. 

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