Tuesday, September 6, 2011

This is still crazy!

I'm just wondering if these feelings will ever go away, or if I will be in shock for the rest of my life :)  I can't wrap my head around being 12 weeks and 3 days pregnant.  I can't believe I am 3 months pregnant.  I just can't believe this has happened. 

It is such a huge joy to me to be able to share with people who don't know yet about me being pregnant and to see their reaction.  Since we were very open for a long time about not being able to conceive and being heartbroken since our greatest dreams in life were to be parents, there are a lot of people who have rejoiced with us through this. 

Today Jack went to the Chiropractor and got to share the news with him and he was over the moon for us.  Jack has known the Chiropractor since he was in high school and we both adore him.  Dr Gage is definitely a family friend, and truly the funniest man I have ever met in my life.  It's such a huge blessing to me to hear Jack tell me as happy as he is about someone's awesome reaction to our news. 

I am still struggling with what I am calling Survivor's Guilt.  But I'm really concentrating on the happy parts of my life, I am VERY happy that we were given this miracle and while I still absolutely have a heart for those who are hurting, especially those hurting and struggling with infertility and trying to grow their families, I HAVE to live my life. 

I find myself not writing down things in here that I want to remember for myself because I don't want to hurt anyone reading them.  I find myself censoring myself in most of my conversations that I have with people who have or haven't struggled.  I find myself changing the subject from my pregnancy to other things because it still makes me very uncomfortable to talk about. 

Someone who is very dear to my heart that I grew up with and recently came back in contact with in the last year or so shared with me that she was pregnant.  I was so happy for her since I knew that her and her husband had started to try.  She also has a very special place in my heart for two more reasons... 1, her sister struggled with infertility and because of her intimate glance at her sister's struggles and how that affected her sister and the whole family, she really had a better understanding of infertility than most and she had such an awesome heart and attitude of caring.  And 2, not quite as importantly, but still makes her super awesome... she is my all time favorite hair stylist that I have ever met.  I have probably had 50+ people do my hair since I was in high school and discovered that people who go to school and are trained do a much better job than my sister and I can do with a box from the drug store.  She is a master at my hair and without much explanation at all, she just GETS exactly what I'm thinking and what I want and she does an awesome job. 

Sadly, my friend lost her baby right after I found out that I was pregnant.  There are no words really to describe how sad and heartbroken that I felt for her.  I found myself barely able to talk about my pregnancy at all or be happy at all, when I was feeling so sad for her.  I am still very sad for her and my sincerest hope is that they always let the legacy of their first child live on in their lives and in their heart and that they conceive their second in no time. 

I'm having a hard time with things like today, I need a hair cut.  I know my friend is hurting and I really don't want to go anywhere else because, like I said, she's number 1.  AND, I definitely don't want her to feel like I'm avoiding her, because I don't want to avoid her.  But, I don't want to hurt her.

The situation had a very simple solution and I emailed her and asked her directly and she responded almost immediately letting me know that she still wants to do my hair.  I'm so excited and hoping that I can be that person to her that she was to me for that time in my life.  Even though she didn't know anything personally about what it felt like to not be able to get pregnant, she was so supportive and loving.  And my hope and my prayer is that even though I do not specifically understand her loss, that I can be a support in her life too. 

So to my dear friend, thanks for giving me the chance to be a friend to you!

1 comment:

  1. I am so happy for you, I can't believe you are 3 months along already. Now this is just my opinion and can not speak for the other ladies that are IF. But your story gives me hope that someone IF can beat the odds, so do not be ashamed to talk about it.

    You are a good friend, to your hair dresser and she may be able to open up to you more about her miscarriage b/c you have went through so much.

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