Friday, February 3, 2012

Realization is beginning to set in.

I am sure this seems sort of strange to most, since most haven't gone through infertility before pregnancy, but let me tell you... Getting pregnant after infertility takes some getting used to.  I'm 34 weeks pregnant and STILL not used to this.  I STILL find myself overwhelmed with emotions about how grateful and surprised I am.  I am still in shock that my belly grows every day and that I can feel this baby kicking me. 

Now that I'm getting close to full term (37 weeks) I am starting to have to deal with the thoughts and realization that soon I won't be pregnant any more... and when I'm no longer pregnant, that means I will have a baby. (Lord willing of course... <-- see that there? That's the infertile inside me still trying to point out that ANYTHING could still happen.)

There's a song that I have always loved about wondering what it will be like the day we meet our Lord... (I Can Only Imagine by MercyMe) and while I know that meeting my son for the first time will be absolutely NOTHING like meeting my Savior face to face, it's the words of the song that I can relate to about what it will be like or even wondering what it will be like to meet my child too. 


I can only imagine
What it will be like
When I walk
By your side

I can only imagine
What my eyes will see
When your face
Is before me
I can only imagine

I can only imagine

[Chorus:]
Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for you Jesus or in awe of you be still
Will I stand in your presence or to my knees will I
fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine

I can only imagine

I can only imagine
When that day comes
And I find myself
Standing in the Sun
[| From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/m/mercyme-lyrics/i-can-only-imagine-lyrics.html |]

I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever
Forever worship You
I can only imagine

I can only imagine

Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for you Jesus or in awe of you be still
Will I stand in your presence or to my knees will I
fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine

I can only imagine

I can only imagine
i can only imagine

I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever, forever worship you

I can only imagine

I realize that there will be a huge difference between meeting God who gave me Life and my son... but go with this.  "I can only imagine, What my eyes will see when your face Is before me I can only imagine..." and "Will I stand in your presence or to my knees will I fall, will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all? I can only imagine..."  I can only imagine what it will be like when I set my eyes on our child for the first time. These lines in the song really speak to how I feel about this.  (Obviously I'm not going to forever worship my son... just take these lyrics out and have them by themselves!)

Even the thought of seeing my child brings me to tears most of the time.  I can't imagine what it's going to be like to look in his face and in his eyes.  I can't imagine what it will be like to see myself and to see Jack in this tiny person looking back at us.  I can't imagine what it will be like to feel so much love in one moment, towards my husband, towards my child and most of all towards God who brought us such a miracle.

Will I fall to my knees and cry?  I have no idea, but I can only imagine since that's what I did when I saw the positive pregnancy test.  

I guess I have gotten to the crying part of my pregnancy.  I think I have cried quite a bit (in a good, overwhelmed emotionally way) throughout my pregnancy, but for the most part I cry in the truck while I'm driving somewhere.  I'll be day dreaming and then suddenly be overwhelmed by some thought or realization and then start to cry, or I will be listening to a song and then be overwhelmed and cry.  But now, it's different.  

The other night, I scooted very close to Jack to have him put his arm around me before we fell asleep.  He was uncomfortable so he told me... he was grumpy but mostly because he looooves his sleep.  I told him he was mean and then started crying.  I was crying so hard that I had to go downstairs and catch my breath.  

And I don't cry.  I'm not a crier.  I don't just break down and try to get my way, I don't cry to get out of a ticket, I don't cry like that.  Usually the only time I cry is if someone dies.  

Now I have to warn Jack if his tone of voice is getting a little uncomfortable for me that he's about to make me cry... or if he rolls his eyes I will cry... or if he doesn't want a certain thing for dinner, I. Will. Cry.  

Welcome to crying-over-emotional-can't-hold-it-together part of Pregnancy.  God bless my poor husband.

1 comment:

  1. I relate to absolutely everything you said. I am 25 weeks and I cry every day thinking about the fact that we will (probably) get to hold and care for this little girl here on earth. And I'm not a crier. Pregnancy after infertility/loss is just so very hard to explain to those that haven't been through it.

    Praying as you prepare to meet this little boy!

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