Sunday, December 30, 2012

First birthday party for Arie

Christmas was overwhelming for Arie because of all of the people in his face. He doesn't know any of his family well enough to know they're not strangers, so he was freaked out the whole time.

I had a really hard time expressing to people to give him a LOT of space. They really don't see him very often so they wanted to get as much out of the visit as possible, so to speak. It left me frustrated and annoyed and Arie completely overwhelmed, uncomfortable, and upset. I think people expect babies to be fussy or unhappy, but Arie is not those things in a normal situation and he wouldn't be if people respected what I said for them to do to make Arie most comfortable.

I'm so sick of getting blown off like I don't know my child better than them... Especially coming from someone who has seen him less than a dozen times in his whole 10 months. I know what he needs, and it's not some new made up ridiculous thing to listen to your child's cues. When someone gets right up in Arie's face, he will bury his head in me not to be cute or to mess around, but he is saying he's uncomfortable. Doing it over and over doesn't help him get more comfortable with people, either, it just makes him trust that person less.

I'm not some dumb first time mom that everyone needs to roll their eyes at, I know my kid and I have been with him 24 hours a day since the day that he was born. I know what makes him happy and I know what doesn't. Unlike everyone else who have spent 10 hours or less total with him. Hmmm, I think I know better.

Just writing all this stuff pisses me off again, but this in a nut shell is why Jack and I are really not wanting to have a birthday party. It would be way too much for him and way too much disrespect would happen and Jack and I would be left angry and dealing with a miserable child.

It's really frustrating to have so many people in our life like that.

Not everyone is like that at all, we have a handful of people who really enjoy Arie on his terms and never push him or rush him. What do you know, he enjoys those people the best.

It is hard when you feel like you have so much pressure on your shoulders to do certain things as well, like going to the extended family Christmas parties. They were each one to two hours away. It's like there's zero understanding for my morning sickness and when we say that Arie hates his car seat, people just roll their eyes like its an excuse, and not a very good one.

I thought I would write this and convince myself to throw the party, but instead I seem to have further convinced myself not to. :/

I don't think Arie will hold it against us, but what about everyone else? This has not been a fun facet of parenting.

Using Facebook to better friendships

If I am going to use Facebook, I want it to be only a tool to make my friendships closer and not stand in the way of my relationships.

I have to be vigilant about things that can over crowd my life and Facebook has done that so many times in the past!

Saturday, December 29, 2012

15 Weeks Pregnant w/#2

This week, Baby is the size of a: The average fetus at 15 weeks weighs 2.5 ounces and measures 4 inches -- and his proportions are becoming even more normal, since his legs now outmeasure his arms.

How far along? 14 weeks 6 days
Due date: 6.23.12
Maternity clothes? yep, mostly leggings and tunics... I just ordered some more maternity jeans.  My pants from last time are all too big.
Sleep: Ok.
Best moment this week: felt my first kick on the outside last night and sat there and knew without a doubt that what I was feeling was baby moving around in there.
Food cravings: Candy
Movement: see above!
Symptoms: all day nausea, throwing up, it seems to be getting better this week.  Don't want to jinx myself ;)
Labor Signs: No
Stretch Marks: yep, leftover stripes from Arie man
Swelling? Nope
Belly Button in or out? in
What I miss: not much
Feeling toward Pregnancy: looking forward to June.
What I am looking forward to: my first midwife appointment next week
Milestones: still nursing, and second trimester
News: not much to report... will meet one of the midwives for my first official midwife appointment next week.  I'm hoping Jack can go with me, but I don't think it makes sense for him to take the time off of work after all of this time he just had off.

Friday, December 28, 2012


Yesterday I wrote out this big post and when I went to add a picture, this app ate it.

I'm rocking Arie and trying to decide about leaving the house. I choked down breakfast and we were going to go out and run errands and pick up a handful of baby things. I don't like the idea of taking Arie out at all... What if we got a flat or something? I don't know, I'm probably being overly cautious.

I tricked Arie this morning by hiding some carrots on his spoon with yogurt. He is not a fan of most foods being spoon fed.

I don't think I like this app, you can't save a post for later.

Sunday, December 23, 2012

14 weeks pregnant w/#2

This week's big developments: Your baby can now squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his or her thumb!

Thanks to brain impulses, your baby's facial muscles are getting a workout as tiny features form one expression after another. The kidneys are producing urine, which your baby releases into the amniotic fluid around him or her (this continues until birth).

Your baby can grasp, too, and if you're having an ultrasound now, you may even catch your little one sucking a thumb.

In other news: Your baby's stretching out. From head to bottom, he or she measures 3 1/2 inches – about the size of a lemon – and weighs 1 1/2 ounces. The body's growing faster than the head, which now sits upon a more distinct neck. By the end of this week, your baby's arms will have grown to a length that's in proportion to the rest of his or her body. (The legs still have some lengthening to do.) And your baby's starting to develop an ultra-fine, downy layer of hair, called lanugo, that covers the body.

Your baby's liver starts making bile this week – a sign that it's doing its job right – and the spleen starts helping in the production of red blood cells. Though you can't feel tiny punches and kicks yet, your little one's hands and feet (which now measure about half an inch long) are more flexible and active.

This week, Baby is the size of a: no idea, 3 1/2-4" crown to rump?

How far along? 14 weeks
Due date: 6.23.12
Maternity clothes? yep, mostly leggings and tunics.
Sleep: Ok.
Best moment this week: sissy came to to town for Christmas
Food cravings: nothing really
Movement: I don't know
Symptoms: all day nausea, throwing up
Labor Signs: No... I did have a dream last night that my water broke.
Stretch Marks: yep, leftover stripes from Arie man
Swelling? Nope
Belly Button in or out? in
What I miss: feeling normal & energy
Feeling toward Pregnancy: looking forward to June.
What I am looking forward to: my first midwife appointment next month...
Milestones: second trimester
News: not much

Saturday, December 22, 2012

Laying awake

It's 5:20am, baby's sleeping, Jack is snoring and I'm tempted to smother him! He's going to wake the baby with his snoring and I've smacked him 3 times already!!

I wish I could get up and shower but I know Arie would wake up. I have no reason to be awake right now but I guess I'm just no longer tired.

Yesterday, my mom came over and Jack came home from work early and we cleaned. And I moved my hutch out of my kitchen and into the library, and once I moved the hutch, I realized I couldn't stand that green wall any more!

I only had time for one coat yesterday and I plan to get another coat on the wall this morning.

Thursday, December 20, 2012

End of the world?

I have seen 3 or 4 "end of the world" days that I can remember.

The Bible says that NO MAN knows the day or hour.

But of that day and hour knoweth no man, no, not the angels of heaven, but my Father only. Matthew 24:36

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that the Mayans and anyone who believes in this 12-21-12 end of the Mayan calendar = end of the world are included in the "no man."

Should Jesus come back to get His people tomorrow, at least I know where my family is going. We are anxiously awaiting His return and we know that we are absolutely living in the End Times.

One day we will disappear from this Earth and for those left behind, they have until their death or until the end of the tribulation to accept Christ. I hope that people who know Jack and I will not fall for what they will be told about where we went. No cosmic event or radiation thing or alien abduction will take us. Jesus will come for us, and should we suddenly disappear with millions, know that we have gone home.

Thinking about The End of the World is different for me. I'm not afraid of zombies or some crazy situation. I'm excited for the rapture!

Weeeeee!! Jesus we are ready when you are!

Can't sleep

I don't know why this keeps happening, but I find myself awake in the middle of the night for no reason. My babes are both peacefully sleeping next to me.

My mind wanders in every direction imaginable. I randomly thought of Matt Logelin and wondered if he ever remarried. His baby turned 4 in March.

I had a dream tonight that Ashley and I both had boys again. Her baby was 8 lbs something and mine was 7lbs 3oz. I was so excited about our new babies!

I think about how sore my nipples are from breastfeeding during pregnancy and I worry about what it will be like with a newborn again.

Then I worry about fighting off interventions during labor. And I wish we could afford a home birth. Then I wonder how we will afford a doula.

I have no idea how to shut my brain off so I can go to sleep.

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Cloth Diapering Two Babies

Yesterday, I spent 10 hours stripping my microfiber inserts. Each of my over 30 inserts was boiled for at least 30 minutes (with vinegar) and then I washed them like normal with RockinGreen soap in the washing machine with an extra rinse and then I did a cycle with Dawn soap. It would have taken me days to rinse out the suds from my inserts by running the washing machine over and over so I did 4 or 5 extra rinses with all of the pockets and took all of the inserts out to rinse in the sink by hand. Each took 4-6 full soaks and wring outs to be fully rinsed of suds and then I threw it all in the dryer. My inserts came out so fluffy!!

Anyway, the point of this post is that while occasionally in cloth diapering, there are days that require a lot of work, but in the very grand scheme of things, cloth diapering is super super easy. Plus, now we are diapering for free which you really can't beat and number 2 will be totally free to diaper.

Since I stripped my whole pockets stash yesterday, we were using only tri-folded prefolds and flats with covers all day. I was able to evaluate my stash and I think I will be able to get away with not buying any more diapers. I plan to wait to reevaluate after #2 is in the one size diapers. I have 3 dozen prefolds as well as over a dozen all-in-one diapers and I think 6 flats that will all work for infant diapering. Depending on how big #2 is at birth, we will be set for 1-3+ months before we switch to both babies in one size diapers.

Saturday, December 15, 2012

Deleting FB

I try and try but no matter how hard I try, I can't delete the stupid out of my life. In this Information Age, it seems that it's perfectly normal to be intimately aware of every person's thoughts, emotions, and beliefs.

I can't decide how or if I'm going to share my blog, how much information do people really need to know about me? My documenting my thoughts is for me and not for others... I guess I've gotten to a point where I wonder why do people want to read it?

I don't want to know how my old neighbor feels about what's going on in the world, I don't care what anyone got for Christmas, I don't care to know about these things about people. The people I have time to think about, I talk to and keep in touch with.

I've been saying this forever, but Facebook takes away from real relationships. There is no reason to get coffee and catch up with friends because you've already seen their trip pictures, you know they just remodeled their living room, and you've seen the sonograms. There's just nothing left to talk about!

I still have no idea what I will do with my new blog. I have to have an outlet for my thoughts and I definitely appreciate feeling like my thoughts are much more my own instead of being printed on a billboard, which is how I felt with 1000s of views each month. Last month, I had almost 8,000 views.

Friday, December 14, 2012

Anonymity is freeing

I feel like I can finally start posting about some of the super controversial things that I have opinions on and our experiences with without worrying about mass hysteria and backlash.

My blog got hundreds of hits a day from and if any site could cause some serious backlash, it's that one. A bunch of crazy women with mob mentality on a message board... I would probably get stalked if I ever even hinted at my beliefs over there.

I abandoned my old URL and I will not be sharing the link to my blog under my new user name over there. I plan to change all of my settings around as well.

Anything from our choices to homeschool to politics to vaccines, circumcision, Santa and more! I have so many things that I've wanted to write down but never wanted to deal with the Internet backlash. I really don't care what the people who troll the Internet think about our decisions and beliefs, and this blog is now 100% for Jack and I to reflect on.

Changing things up

I'm ready for a spotlight break.

My blog is up to just under 100,000 views and its not been around that long.

I have no idea who reads my thoughts, and I know there's really no way to know... But I'm ready to be out of such a spotlight. I've changed my blog URL so any previous links will no longer work. I changed the settings to not allow search engines to find my blog, so hopefully that gives me some time to figure out what I want to do.

Jack and I started this blog with the intention of sharing our adoption after infertility story. God had other plans and it changed into our surviving infertility story. And then it changed to our foster parenting after infertility story. And then again to adopting along with foster parenting. And finally, our miracle pregnancy and now, miracle pregnancy number two.

A couple weeks ago, I called our agency and closed our home for Foster Parenting. My heart is still with children in foster care, but God has other plans for our family.

Project Open Hearts has run its course and I have been touched by the hundreds of comments and emails that I have received over the years from sharing our testimony and experiences.

I'm not really interested in having such a high traffic blog any more and I would like to simplify and change things. I don't need 1000s of people each month reading about my latest pregnancy symptom.

So, I don't know how successful this will be, but I'm taking a step into anonymity. Wish me luck!

13 Weeks Pregnant w/#2

This week, Baby is the size of a: peach!

How far along? 12 weeks 5 days
Due date: 6.23.12
Maternity clothes? yep, mostly leggings and tunics.
Sleep: Arie has been sleeping better.
Best moment this week: tomorrow's Friday! Week is almost over!
Food cravings: in the little moments that I feel okay, I made a list of everything that sounded good... It was at least 20 items long and not one thing on it was healthy lol... Oh well, not that I'm able to eat all of that anyway. I'm still 5 lbs down from prepregnancy.
Movement: I'm not totally convinced yet. I suppose I could feel a 3" creature moving now, but I'm not sure. I think I feel stuff.
Symptoms: all day nausea, throwing up
Labor Signs: No
Stretch Marks: yep, leftover stripes from Arie man
Swelling? Nope
Belly Button in or out? in
What I miss: feeling normal & energy
Feeling toward Pregnancy: looking forward to June.
What I am looking forward to: my first midwife appointment next month...
Milestones: still tandem nursing, almost in second trimester
News: Found out I'm low on vitamin D. Looks like all the routine tests aren't totally worthless. I have to take 5x the daily required amount for 8 weeks and then get retested! I am willing to bet I need more calcium too because of the 6+ months that I went without dairy! Does that mean a daily milkshake is in order? ;)

Monday, December 10, 2012

Natural Birth Plans

Since I've done it before, I have no problem being very decisive about my plans for labor and delivery this time around.  I have done the research, I don't need to convince myself or anyone else for that matter.

Last time I had said that I absolutely wanted a home birth if I ever got pregnant again after my horrifying experience with an aggressive anti-NB OB.  I interviewed midwives and found one that I adored and who has 30 years of experience.  All signs were pointing to woooohoooo lets get it going... and then Jack and I started crunching the numbers.

In the event of an emergency, we would have paid for the home birth as well as our out of pocket maximum with our insurance getting up around $5,000.  But, if we only pay for our out of pocket maximum, it's between $1500 and $2000.  It felt like a huge gamble that we weren't willing to make, especially once I discovered that there is a local birth center attached to one of the hospitals in our area that accepts our insurance.  (Home birth is not covered by our insurance.)

A birth center was a distant second choice to a home birth, (and WAYYYYYYY better than a hospital birth) but it will offer a LOT of the same conveniences of a home birth.  I will be under the care of a midwife, there are no drugs to augment labor, there is no IV, freedom to eat and drink in labor, freedom to move and labor however I'm most comfortable. In the event of an emergency, since it is connected to the hospital, a transfer would be quicker than if I were needing to head into the hospital at home. One of the things I am most excited about with the birth center is that if we choose, Arie can be with us while I'm in labor and delivering.  And, the stay is between 6 hours and 24 hours maximum... not the almost 3 days that I was stuck in the hospital.

I'm excited and ready for this... I know I'm only 12 weeks but giving birth to another baby so soon is definitely something that while I KNOW my body can do it and I'm not scared of it, I'm emotionally scarred from last time and I need to really meditate on how this experience will be different.  I'm a completely different person and I will never hesitate to fire a care provider again.  And, I have learned the magic words, "I DO NOT CONSENT."

I'm pretty disgusted with the anti-NB things I've seen around the web, so hopefully if you stumble upon this and you are planning a natural birth, I hope you will learn that you have choices and that you can make every effort to educate yourself and barring an emergency or unforeseen complication, you CAN do it!

Saturday, December 8, 2012

12 Weeks Pregnant w/#2

This week, Baby is the size of a: plum
How far along? 12 weeks
Due date: 6.23.12
Maternity clothes? yep, mostly leggings and tunics.
Sleep: I don't think I will be sleeping much ever again.  Arie hates sleep.
Best moment this week: Met one of the OBs at the OB/MW practice and had my first "official" appointment.  Dr found the heartbeat right away, and he was super supportive and encouraging of a no intervention birth plan whether in the birth center or hospital.  He also was very encouraging that qualifying for the birth center wasn't as cut and dry as I thought and that there was a lot of leeway.
Food cravings: nothing
Movement: I'm starting to feel some pops and bumps, teeny tiny little movements. It's totally true that second time around you feel it sooner!
Symptoms: all day nausea, throwing up
Labor Signs: No
Stretch Marks: yep, leftover stripes from Arie man
Swelling? Nope
Belly Button in or out? in
What I miss: feeling normal, energy and regular BMs lol
Feeling toward Pregnancy: looking forward to June.
What I am looking forward to: my first midwife appointment next month
Milestones: still tandem nursing, almost in second trimester
News: Not much to report... just chugging along.

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

9 months old

Arie will be 9 months old tomorrow... Which means in 3 months, he will be a year... And in 3 more months, #2 will be here.

Arie is a crawling machine and he's starting to pull up on things. While I find this stage super fun (and exhausting!) I am not liking that sitting up and standing up also comes with falling down and lots of bumps and boo-boos.

He says Mama and Dada but not much else. We don't call him by name often enough for him to know his name yet, so we should probably make an effort to start doing that.

We are still doing baby led weaning and 99% of his nutrition is from being exclusively breastfed.

He comfort nurses more now than ever, I think because he will crawl away and explore and then want to feel close to me again.

Being exhausted and feeling poorly makes it so the house is no where close to my standard of cleaning, which means Arie is becoming very familiar with dog hair. Barf!

He is happy and content just about all the time.

He usually goes to sleep for the night between 7-8pm and wakes up around 8am. He nurses 6-10+ times throughout the night, I am constantly rolling over to switch sides for him to nurse.

Most nights, at least once, we have to get up out of bed to rock him back to sleep. Since I've been feeling sick, that's mainly Jack's job.

We are still cloth diapering, and as we are gearing up to have two in diapers, I am thinking I really want to switch to natural fibers as inserts instead of the microfiber. After about 7 months of use (when we switched to the one size diapers) the microfiber inserts have definitely seen better days.

He bites while he's nursing if he's done or if he's just messing around. I cry and usually that makes him cry. That's a fun stage.

He loves the animals and treats each one differently. He pets the cat nicely and usually pets Bessie nicely, but grabs onto Dixie. Depending on the day, he has his favorite animals. It rotates between them.

He loves bath time and has graduated to sitting in the bath tub by himself, he's too strong and wiggly for the baby bath tub. He loves bath toys.

He has such a sweet personality. If I'm holding him, he will charm anyone in sight. He bats his eyes and smiles in the sweetest way. Everywhere we go, people stop to talk to him and gawk. He loves the attention and I'm a proud mama.

Arie still mostly hates his car seat. I think he doesn't like to be confined or alone. He's better when I'm driving than when I'm sitting in the back seat with him, I think because if he sees me, he doesn't understand why he can't be in my arms or on my lap.

He has his favorite books, (Seven Silly Monkeys) and I think it's the voices that I use when I read them.

Arie no longer sits still in his bouncy (but not bouncy) type chair while I shower. He sits himself up and tries to tip himself out. I'm going to have to figure out a new way to shower without involving him crying the whole time.

He also seems to be very sensitive to when I don't feel well. If I'm throwing up in a bowl, he wants to be right next to me. If Jack is home and is holding him while I am sick, he has a very concerned look on his face until I take him back.

He still loves to be worn anywhere and everywhere. Much prefers that to being carried which is great. He still likes to be on my front in my ergo, mei tai,or ring sling. I haven't used my Moby or ktan in months. He doesn't mind being worn on my back, but I find that front carry wards off random people from touching him better than back carry.

He's just an awesome kid.

Monday, December 3, 2012

Randomness while rocking

I'm rocking Arie for his nap right now. We have been up for two hours and now he's ready for a cat nap.

I have been feeling okay the last few days and hadn't been throwing up. I woke up this morning and went to change Arie's diaper and didn't grab my barf bowl since I didn't think I would need it. I drank a big glass of water and Arie and I headed downstairs to play with toys and suddenly I couldn't get my bowl fast enough.

I made it downstairs and set him down next to me and spent the next 10 minutes retching. So instead of just bile, it was watered down bile. Weeeee.

Anyone else hate throwing up? It feels like drowning to me. Can't catch my breath, can't take a breath.

So much for thinking it's going away.

I'm pretty much in shock that its December. In 2 days, Arie will be 9 months old. 3 months from then, he will be a year old. And, 3 months after that, we will be having number 2.

I don't feel or even look pregnant at all. Well, I guess I FEEL pregnant when I'm throwing up in the morning...

I switched to wearing some of my new maternity clothes and I've discovered that although I bought them 1 & 2 sizes smaller than last time, these clothes are too big.

My mind and brain have not caught up to the fact that I've lost over 80lbs and on a 63" frame how astronomical that number really is.

It's weird to try to plan maternity clothes that are nursing friendly. I used to be able to nurse much more discreetly, but my options are quickly diminishing and hiking my shirt up over my belly is less appealing every day and just pulling my boob out is so much easier. It's funny how things change, a hungry baby overrules any weird feelings or social awkwardness.

I went to a moms group the other day and I came home and told Jack how out of the Breastfeeding moms, 2 pumped and fed with a bottle while we were there and one went off to the side with a cover, while I just fed him right on the couch in the middle of it all. Every one of the girls nursed for some period of time, plus, they all have boobs. It's time to get rid of the stigma! Plus, let's see me just TRY to be discreet in 6 months when I have a newborn AND a 15 month old nursing on demand.

I definitely still feel some judgment about Breastfeeding some places that I go and around some certain people, but it's usually from women who don't have children yet. I refuse to say "just you wait" out loud, but I have definitely thought it.

On the other hand, one of my biggest cheerleaders is a friend who doesn't have children yet but is very health conscious and sees a naturopath and thinks Breastfeeding is fantastic.

I don't really have a choice to not feed my child, so when it makes people uncomfortable I hope they understand that what I'm doing has nothing to do with them, I'm not nursing my kid in public to make a statement of some kind, I'm feeding him when and where he got hungry.

In other randomness, I have been attempting to try to get Arie to sleep at least one stretch in his crib at night. His crib is in our room still, but with how much he's crawling and moving and trying pull himself up, it's safer for him to have all four sides on it and not side-carred.

Last night was a fail. After an hour, I tried to set him down but he woke up as I lifted him over the rail. Just need to keep trying!

Sunday, December 2, 2012

11 Weeks Pregnant w/#2

This week, Baby is the size of a: lime
How far along? 11 weeks
Due date: 6.23.12
Maternity clothes? Yes, it looks like I need to order some more clothes in a smaller size too. Size M is a bit baggy.
Sleep: I don't think I will be sleeping much ever again
Best moment this week: found hb on Doppler & got a bunch of clothes
Food cravings: nothing
Movement: Nothing
Symptoms: all day nausea, occasional throwing up.
Labor Signs: no, thank the Lord
Stretch Marks: yep, leftover stripes from Arie man
Swelling? Nope
Belly Button in or out? in
What I miss: not a thing
Feeling toward Pregnancy: I can't really put it into words. I don't want to talk about it and I'm kinda in denial.
What I am looking forward to: end of first trimester!
Milestones: still tandem nursing, almost in second trimester
News: I've lost 8lbs since I got pregnant.